After continuing the tone of the previous blog, by taking a day off and hiding under the duvet for a few hours this morning I eventually kicked myself out of bed and walked to the doctors to organise a sick note and discuss support over the next few months. That was the start of the turning point in my mood, the sky was blue and the folks in the park were jogging or strolling around, I stopped for a coffee and the girl in the kiosk was really pleasant asking me how I was (non-committal reply from me) and what I had on for the day. It cheered up my mood greatly so I walked back had lunch and set to sorting out the house, getting my cancer books and audio tapes out, buying vitamins and minerals to restart my diet, and generally starting to get organised.
By the time it came to pick up the kids from school I was in good form again and the bleakness of yesterday was beginning to fade. I had to take poppy to the shop to get a new top for her friend Lucy's disco, which is taking place now in the church hall beside our house, I wandered over with the digital camera and in the background now I am downloading the shots to email to Jim and Sarah. Poppy and Holly are enjoying the fun, going to a disco with boys is a cause for lots of gossip for Poppy at her sleepover tonight. I stayed only for a little while as I did not want to cramp her style too much by hanging around.
In between times I have had a good chat with my other friend Jim and the boys rugby watching group will be getting together this week for a pint before I am chemoed, my two brothers came on at the same time and we had a good chat about the treatment, Philip seems to have done even more research than me at the moment. So overall moods are lifting, social and family teams are reconfiguring into the great supportive mode we had before, and I am getting my own head around the challenge while still having fun. So things are looking up and we have a nice weekend of events to look forward to including a night out with our friends Nick and Bernise so that might be a a bit of an evening !
As an update I have found some research from the Mayo center in the USA which is claiming a 90 percent successful outcome as long as the disease recurrs in the lymph nodes, which we think mine has, and its within 12 months of the end of the previous treatment which mine is ! Those are odds I can deal with and are actually pretty similiar to those I faced the first time around. The downside is the fatal rate is about 6% so its a kind of russian roulette situation with a lot more chambers in the gun. Mind you to put this in perspective I am sure the deal for open heart bypass surgery is pretty close, so its a major procedure, and it can go wrong, but the odds are on my side still in comparison to many other poor souls who have cancers which are much more difficult to treat, medical advances are a great thing !
So that leaves me in a positive mood, with good hope for the future and the desire to enjoy things over the next few weeks ahead of the deep dive into chemo.
Holly and Collette are tucked up in the living room, sleeping for the night in a den Holly has made for them of blankets, bookcases and sofa backs - camping with central heating - and I just opened a nice card from Jim and Sarah, Collettes parents, who are hosting the other girls and thinking of me. Respect to you guys as you have to deal with beautiful and innocent Collettes problem with Crohns disease, and yet you think of us, its great to have such good friends.
Kids taking their first steps to adulthood, cats and younger kids curled up in the front room, good wishes and good chat with friends and brothers, and 90 percent from the mayo clinic - not quite a Lou Reed perfect day, but good enough for me.
Cheers
Gerry
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Non medical update
I am not sure if I will post this entry, perhaps I will just keep it in draft form, but I want to write it anyway as it helps me think and rationalise my situation, and in some way this may be a record of my thoughts and feelings that Poppy and Holly can at some time in the future access and help them understand this time in our lives.
Today was a difficult day on many fronts.
Firstly the doctors information was not good at all, in reality they found the disease has beaten the AVBD chemo and got outside the radiotherapy zone pretty quickly, so that some of it missed the radiation. Having "escaped" it has grown aggressively, not passively, the new main tumour is already half the size of the original, now dead tumour, and the disease has spread to multiple other nodes. My consultant, the very competent Dr Yulle, who previously was a very positive and cheerful person, was almost depressed, because if the field had been a bit wider she might have got it, but we took those decisions together and I spent a lot of the time in the consultation telling her I understood the risks, and the percentages and we could not have foreseen this outcome, in fact looking at the charts with her she would have missed even with the higher field.
The key thing is the radiation missed, the disease beat the chemo, and we really have to go after it now with all guns blazing. I think she hoped that it would be in one place, and she could get it with radiotherapy, and save the day, but I could see today that the negative consequences of that would be too high, and the technical complexity did not look good, and even then it may jump to the next nodes, so I would be back to the same position in six months time, which even I would find a bit tedious.
One thing that was helpful was that Lee was with me this time, in the past I have gone myself but she wanted to understand this more serious situation in a greater depth, so we went together, I got her to drive the Aston Martin over so that she would get used to driving it, which seemed to work well. As we walked down the road afterwards we were both a bit upset, understandably, and we were talking about the doctor and the different type of lymph cells when she stopped the conversation and said "this is not helping is it?" and I said "no" so she stopped me analysing gave me a big hug and helped me switch focused on how to manage and cope with the path forward. This was another example for me of how personal coping strategy's are, and how difficult it is for Lee, who has to cope with equally significant emotional challenges. My way (like in this blog) is to focus on what needs to get done, no regrets, no feeling of unfairness, no complaining about the doctors, no what if, no if only - because selfishly that is what works for me - but its not what works for other people necessarily. So I need to be careful of that and be supportive of Lee and other family members so that their needs for coping are also met so that they do not have to take too much of the strain.
This evening was a really tough one, the kids had their school Christmas concert, for their school this means taking over the Usher hall for the night, one of the main concert venues for the city, and they put on a fantastic show. The three of us went out for an Italian dinner while Lee was battling her way back from a meeting in Glasgow, half way through the starters Holly asked "Dad did you say your cancer was back?" so that was the opening I needed, we had a great chat about how it was back, which I had told them a few weeks ago in a low key way, and how I would need to get some more different chemo to sort it out. I told them that type of chemo would need some time in hospital, and it would take until about Easter, as before they both seemed fine with that and we got down to eating our pizzas before going to the show.
The show however hit a nerve, when 400 kids including Poppy and Holly started to sing "have your self a very merry Christmas..." I was standing the the middle of this thankfully dark concert hall, with tears coming to my eyes (Lees as well), I hope no one noticed, but even now it brings a lump to my throat. The thing is that if I think about the possibility of missing the kids grow older I feel really sad because I think, perhaps we all think, that I could help them a lot to find their place in the world and I would like to see them be happy. So that is going to be part of my new motivation strategy - Christmas with Lee, Poppy and Holly, next year, then one year at a time for hopefully a long time after that.
So I need to start to build up the reserves of strength that I will need for this next fight, getting fit physically is part of it, diet is part of it (but being moderate as we do not want to stimulate the cancer to grow faster), but most of it is getting my fighting head on mentally so I can get myself prepared for the worst, in a kind of "bring it on" mentality, then when I feel bad in the middle of the chemo, but I can still smile or make a joke (which I have never been any good at so maybe that's not a good part of the plan) then each smile will be a victory and a part of the path to recovery. It was this type of attitude that helped me through the previous chemo and I skipped before one chemo with bad results, so this mental strength is what I need to build up next. This evening when I came out of the concert I had a number of messages from family and friends but I did not feel up to answering them, perhaps tomorrow I will get it back together.
So this was not one of my upbeat posts, my old friend Brid once said I was a bit like Pollyanna, which I think meant so optimistic that it was not real, and to some extent I do not want to dump on the readers of this blog, quite a few of whom are colleagues as well as family members. But tonight I think it is OK to say this hurts, and its not easy, and it is the mortal dilemma that we all face as part of being human, we only have a short time on the stage of life and we never know when it will end. I could have all this trouble and be fine, while someone like Brids husband Cameron died in his early 40's with no warning at all. Its just random numbers.
So this is a late night blog, perhaps a dark night blog would be a better title, its been a difficult day for me and that's OK, its OK for some days to be difficult and for some songs to cause us to leak a bit in these circumstances.
However I was in a cafe, just after the hospital, and I phoned Mum to tell her the news - she was as always a rock of support, as she has always been since she would sit by my bed until I woke up after every operations I had after my accident that I can remember. I would always come round, often feeling very sick, and she would be there. She is a real hero of my lifes story. However as I finished the call the record changed and Van Morrison came on singing "sweet dreams of you, so real and so true.." I felt it was an omen and a good one at that.
I am an extrovert, I guess you can tell, and that means I get energy and strength from being open about my situation, I worry sometimes that this blog might be seem as a bit indulgent or attention seeking, I don't mean it that way, its just that typing this stuff out at night helps me get it "off my chest" and it saves me repeating the same story again and again to folks, or the phone ringing all the time for the same reason. In the end no one has to read it, and I do not expect anyone to read it, but for the next months I think I want to keep it as real as I have tried to do in the past, so I think I will probably post this blog rather than bury it in draft.
The good news is that I have been doing a bit of research on the up to date statistics on the treatment I will get next, and it is pretty good, and getting better by the year as the medical teams gain experience - 10 years ago this would be a much worse, like terminal, situation and it was this disease that killed my natural mother Pat in the 1960's despite the best efforts of her doctors. Today the success rate is very high, better than 60 percent including all the "last ditch" folks who are very ill before the treatment is attempted, so I have a great chance of getting through this, and when I do the disease free 10 year progression is back up in the 85 to 90 percentage - those are odds I can work with.
So today we have had some bad news, and leaked a bit, understandably, but this is a game we can play and win if I can get my "game head" on, so that is going to be my main focus from here on in, not work, or downsides, but winning the key game here. That will be my focus, along with smelling the roses, if you want to know what I mean listen to Coney Island by, of course, Van Morrision and remember I cycled along the roads he spoke of, in the sunshine of summer days when I was 15, on my granddad Malones old bike, painted yellow, sailed a dingy with my father on strangford loch and escaped to an island in the same place with my girlfriend when I was 18 so its a special place in the world, and in my heart.
To all of you, hug your children, listen to your partners, give your colleagues the benefit of genuine motivation and respect, don't honk your horn, wave instead, they probably just had a bad day, there is no time for trivial stuff, but stand up for what you believe to be true, as that is a measure of the weight of your personality, right or wrong, popular or unpopular.
Later blogs will look at how to get my head, fitness and diet together I think the first one is the most critical, for now let me sign off and please dont worry as a result of my directness, I will get a game head on, and we will beat this thing, but I hope it is OK to be honest about the bad days as well as the good days
Cheers
Gerry
Today was a difficult day on many fronts.
Firstly the doctors information was not good at all, in reality they found the disease has beaten the AVBD chemo and got outside the radiotherapy zone pretty quickly, so that some of it missed the radiation. Having "escaped" it has grown aggressively, not passively, the new main tumour is already half the size of the original, now dead tumour, and the disease has spread to multiple other nodes. My consultant, the very competent Dr Yulle, who previously was a very positive and cheerful person, was almost depressed, because if the field had been a bit wider she might have got it, but we took those decisions together and I spent a lot of the time in the consultation telling her I understood the risks, and the percentages and we could not have foreseen this outcome, in fact looking at the charts with her she would have missed even with the higher field.
The key thing is the radiation missed, the disease beat the chemo, and we really have to go after it now with all guns blazing. I think she hoped that it would be in one place, and she could get it with radiotherapy, and save the day, but I could see today that the negative consequences of that would be too high, and the technical complexity did not look good, and even then it may jump to the next nodes, so I would be back to the same position in six months time, which even I would find a bit tedious.
One thing that was helpful was that Lee was with me this time, in the past I have gone myself but she wanted to understand this more serious situation in a greater depth, so we went together, I got her to drive the Aston Martin over so that she would get used to driving it, which seemed to work well. As we walked down the road afterwards we were both a bit upset, understandably, and we were talking about the doctor and the different type of lymph cells when she stopped the conversation and said "this is not helping is it?" and I said "no" so she stopped me analysing gave me a big hug and helped me switch focused on how to manage and cope with the path forward. This was another example for me of how personal coping strategy's are, and how difficult it is for Lee, who has to cope with equally significant emotional challenges. My way (like in this blog) is to focus on what needs to get done, no regrets, no feeling of unfairness, no complaining about the doctors, no what if, no if only - because selfishly that is what works for me - but its not what works for other people necessarily. So I need to be careful of that and be supportive of Lee and other family members so that their needs for coping are also met so that they do not have to take too much of the strain.
This evening was a really tough one, the kids had their school Christmas concert, for their school this means taking over the Usher hall for the night, one of the main concert venues for the city, and they put on a fantastic show. The three of us went out for an Italian dinner while Lee was battling her way back from a meeting in Glasgow, half way through the starters Holly asked "Dad did you say your cancer was back?" so that was the opening I needed, we had a great chat about how it was back, which I had told them a few weeks ago in a low key way, and how I would need to get some more different chemo to sort it out. I told them that type of chemo would need some time in hospital, and it would take until about Easter, as before they both seemed fine with that and we got down to eating our pizzas before going to the show.
The show however hit a nerve, when 400 kids including Poppy and Holly started to sing "have your self a very merry Christmas..." I was standing the the middle of this thankfully dark concert hall, with tears coming to my eyes (Lees as well), I hope no one noticed, but even now it brings a lump to my throat. The thing is that if I think about the possibility of missing the kids grow older I feel really sad because I think, perhaps we all think, that I could help them a lot to find their place in the world and I would like to see them be happy. So that is going to be part of my new motivation strategy - Christmas with Lee, Poppy and Holly, next year, then one year at a time for hopefully a long time after that.
So I need to start to build up the reserves of strength that I will need for this next fight, getting fit physically is part of it, diet is part of it (but being moderate as we do not want to stimulate the cancer to grow faster), but most of it is getting my fighting head on mentally so I can get myself prepared for the worst, in a kind of "bring it on" mentality, then when I feel bad in the middle of the chemo, but I can still smile or make a joke (which I have never been any good at so maybe that's not a good part of the plan) then each smile will be a victory and a part of the path to recovery. It was this type of attitude that helped me through the previous chemo and I skipped before one chemo with bad results, so this mental strength is what I need to build up next. This evening when I came out of the concert I had a number of messages from family and friends but I did not feel up to answering them, perhaps tomorrow I will get it back together.
So this was not one of my upbeat posts, my old friend Brid once said I was a bit like Pollyanna, which I think meant so optimistic that it was not real, and to some extent I do not want to dump on the readers of this blog, quite a few of whom are colleagues as well as family members. But tonight I think it is OK to say this hurts, and its not easy, and it is the mortal dilemma that we all face as part of being human, we only have a short time on the stage of life and we never know when it will end. I could have all this trouble and be fine, while someone like Brids husband Cameron died in his early 40's with no warning at all. Its just random numbers.
So this is a late night blog, perhaps a dark night blog would be a better title, its been a difficult day for me and that's OK, its OK for some days to be difficult and for some songs to cause us to leak a bit in these circumstances.
However I was in a cafe, just after the hospital, and I phoned Mum to tell her the news - she was as always a rock of support, as she has always been since she would sit by my bed until I woke up after every operations I had after my accident that I can remember. I would always come round, often feeling very sick, and she would be there. She is a real hero of my lifes story. However as I finished the call the record changed and Van Morrison came on singing "sweet dreams of you, so real and so true.." I felt it was an omen and a good one at that.
I am an extrovert, I guess you can tell, and that means I get energy and strength from being open about my situation, I worry sometimes that this blog might be seem as a bit indulgent or attention seeking, I don't mean it that way, its just that typing this stuff out at night helps me get it "off my chest" and it saves me repeating the same story again and again to folks, or the phone ringing all the time for the same reason. In the end no one has to read it, and I do not expect anyone to read it, but for the next months I think I want to keep it as real as I have tried to do in the past, so I think I will probably post this blog rather than bury it in draft.
The good news is that I have been doing a bit of research on the up to date statistics on the treatment I will get next, and it is pretty good, and getting better by the year as the medical teams gain experience - 10 years ago this would be a much worse, like terminal, situation and it was this disease that killed my natural mother Pat in the 1960's despite the best efforts of her doctors. Today the success rate is very high, better than 60 percent including all the "last ditch" folks who are very ill before the treatment is attempted, so I have a great chance of getting through this, and when I do the disease free 10 year progression is back up in the 85 to 90 percentage - those are odds I can work with.
So today we have had some bad news, and leaked a bit, understandably, but this is a game we can play and win if I can get my "game head" on, so that is going to be my main focus from here on in, not work, or downsides, but winning the key game here. That will be my focus, along with smelling the roses, if you want to know what I mean listen to Coney Island by, of course, Van Morrision and remember I cycled along the roads he spoke of, in the sunshine of summer days when I was 15, on my granddad Malones old bike, painted yellow, sailed a dingy with my father on strangford loch and escaped to an island in the same place with my girlfriend when I was 18 so its a special place in the world, and in my heart.
To all of you, hug your children, listen to your partners, give your colleagues the benefit of genuine motivation and respect, don't honk your horn, wave instead, they probably just had a bad day, there is no time for trivial stuff, but stand up for what you believe to be true, as that is a measure of the weight of your personality, right or wrong, popular or unpopular.
Later blogs will look at how to get my head, fitness and diet together I think the first one is the most critical, for now let me sign off and please dont worry as a result of my directness, I will get a game head on, and we will beat this thing, but I hope it is OK to be honest about the bad days as well as the good days
Cheers
Gerry
Medical Update
Well I am going to try to keep this entry focussed on the medical stuff. The news is not good. The PET scan shows active disease in the enlarged node (which is now half as big as the orignal tumour) and small traces in multiple other glands up towards the top of my chest and neck. This seems to rule out any quick radiotherapy route for me. There is also a positive result below my chest near my liver but there is a fair chance that this may be a false positive picking up the small intestine - the UK PET experts in London are going to give a second opinion on that over the next few days. So its confirmed that the disease beat the AVBD chemo, got outside the radiotherapy zone before it was applied, and is growing agressivily now (although was killed in the original tumours). Simply extending the radiotherapy more broadly could just see the same thing happen again and starts to reach loadings which bring significant possibility of secondary cancers.
So it looks like the heavy chemo and stem cell route for me, I will meet with the chemo team next thursday to get a more intense briefing on the program but the outline so far is something like 2 cycles of chemo each of three weeks each requiring a week in hospital, somewhere in there they do the harvesting of the stem cells, followed by the actual stem cell replacement chemo which will put me in hospital in isolation for three further weeks and then some significant recovery period to follow. Roughly that feels like it will take me out completely for about four months from a work perspective from the start of the treatment but I will get the full details from the stem cell guys next thursday. It seems like as next thursday is already the 14th that the treatment may start just after christmas to allow for a nice christmas with the kids before we jump into the hospital cycles.
I am setting off now to do my background research on the treatment, the side effects, how to manage the side effects and how to set myself up mentally and phisically for the task. The good news is that this treatment is improving all the time and the doctors are pretty confident that they can get the disease with the treatment and that it is not likly to come back once they nail it properly this time. Lets hope they are right !
Once I have researched things a bit more I will get back to you with an enhanced overview.
Regards
Gerry
So it looks like the heavy chemo and stem cell route for me, I will meet with the chemo team next thursday to get a more intense briefing on the program but the outline so far is something like 2 cycles of chemo each of three weeks each requiring a week in hospital, somewhere in there they do the harvesting of the stem cells, followed by the actual stem cell replacement chemo which will put me in hospital in isolation for three further weeks and then some significant recovery period to follow. Roughly that feels like it will take me out completely for about four months from a work perspective from the start of the treatment but I will get the full details from the stem cell guys next thursday. It seems like as next thursday is already the 14th that the treatment may start just after christmas to allow for a nice christmas with the kids before we jump into the hospital cycles.
I am setting off now to do my background research on the treatment, the side effects, how to manage the side effects and how to set myself up mentally and phisically for the task. The good news is that this treatment is improving all the time and the doctors are pretty confident that they can get the disease with the treatment and that it is not likly to come back once they nail it properly this time. Lets hope they are right !
Once I have researched things a bit more I will get back to you with an enhanced overview.
Regards
Gerry
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
PET scan done
I continue to be impressed by the speed of our national health service here in the UK when you have a really critical, and somewhat time dependant, illness. Today I was in Aberdeen getting my PET scan done (this is the only scanner in Scotland) from a diagnosis which we just got on Thursday last week. I think I was slotted in over lunchtime, in reality due to the good work of Dr Yulle and her secretary. So it will take about a week for the results to be assembled, looked at by the PET experts, sent back to London for double check and then ready for a discussion with my team in the Edinburgh cancer centre on Thursday 7th december. I guess in the USA you may get things quicker that than but I feel comfortable with the checking here as we did get a mistaken all clear last time, which was correctly caught by the experts. So by the end of next week we will know if I am heading down path A (radiotherapy to the affected node, easy street) or path B (stem cell replacement plus maximum chemo, opposite of easy street). That will be a big day in the whole story and I think Lee wants to come along as it is such a critical discussion.
Until then there is nothing I can do, I feel fine and I have a lot of stuff to sort out so I am heading off to the USA at 5am tomorrow to try to work through what to do with my backup for my job in either path A or path B. In the first part of the trip I will be with the IT community in Gore and the manufacturing leaders of the other divisions to cover our new IT system project and the plans for operations in China. Then I should have a days break in Manhatten just to indulge in a bit of shopping, cocktails and a broadway show - kind of a last extravagance before getting back into the closed world of hospitals and recovery. On Monday the leadership team of our Fabrics division, were I work, is getting together to discuss the plans for the next six months and some big investment decisions, so I am really pleased to be able to join them for that and a discussion about what to do about my work over the next months depending on path A or path B.
I am however feeling lucky again today as I spotted the police car lurking in the bushes before he managed to get a lock on my speed, and more importantly just caught a flash of movement in my mirror as he pulled out after me in the far distance. I guess these guys really wanted to bag an Aston Martin, because I sat right on the speed limit for 15min, in the dark, with cars speeding past me until finally he got fed up hanging back for me to let rip and cruised up beside me, pulled in front of me, and just sat there for a few miles.... before pulling off and setting up a new trap.
I had a nice trip up to Aberdeen in the car as it constantly gets good reactions from people, I think because they are rare, pretty and an English icon. In my old Porsche or the faster Impreza turbo I had guys would race you on the road to cut you up. In this case I was in busy traffic with an Impreza and a souped up clio all with 2-3 young guys in, so we played tag in and out of the traffic - no silly stuff just accelerating to about 85 when there was an opening in the traffic. I could accelerate more quickly than them, so was in front, but did not want to go too fast so they caught me up. Much to my surprise they just pulled up beside on an open road and made "go for it" signs - they just wanted to hear the engine and see the car squat down and go ! As it was a dry open road I did drop to third and boot it up to about 110, then dropped back down to a safe 80 when the others just tucked in behind and we went about 20 miles in convoy until they pulled off. I have never had a reaction like that on a road before I must admit it did make me smile.
I had a nice time up at Lee's parents house, Lee was so worried that I might miss the scan that she insisted I went up the day before. Her parents live about 200 meters from the scanner as her dad was a consultant at the hospital before he retired. She calls them Silvia and Gengus after a far side cartoon which featured Silvia and Gengus Kan at home, but actually her dad Dr Innes (or Sandy) is a great character who has a load of insightful stories about his time as a doctor, Silvia is a bit of a hippie, in some ways, who really has done a lot of research and gained qualifications in alternative medicine through a lot of study, so together I get a really nice balance of advice, crystals, books, diet, good conversation and good wishes from every trip up to see them. This was no exception and I feel emotionally built up by my conversations with both of them over the last two days.
When I returned I found that the missing windows for our loft conversion have finally arrived and they look excellent, I think Tim (the builder) and the guys, who have been with us now for about four months, have kind of become part of the extended family. They have done an excellent job on the work and also in interactions with the family. Hence the news was leaked to one of them and now everyone is being very kind and supportive, specially to Lee. To be honest I think this has been a really tough blow for Lee, I understand, as I think it is actually harder to be the partner in this type of situation, as added to all the issues you have the problem of powerlessness to deal with. At least I can chose how to face the music so I have some feeling of control, but for Lee she sees all the potential consequences and yet cannot herself grab any of it and make it different. I would be useless if our roles were swapped, and I feel terrible for the trouble I am causing her. She tried to go to a work event on Monday and could not get past meeting some friends to go together before the stress popped up in tears and the guys covered the base and sent her home. I hope once we get a plan for the treatment some of the uncertianty can be resolved and we can plan even in the short term to have some oasis of calm just for a few days to enjoy some of the normal things of life along with all this fuss.
So in summary, the scan is done, I feel fine, and all the sensible things to prepare for the next months and weeks will be put together in the next six days, and I will tilt my hat to the world with a trip to manhatten while waiting for the A or B decision. In the meantime Lee will go to a conference, kids have sleepovers with friends, homework will be done, decorating will be finished and life will go on much as before - which is how it should be. My feeling is that even in these extreme circumstances there is no where I would rather be based than here, with the occasional adventure to China or the USA just to remind me of how much I like being home, but also how much I enjoy working with such interesting colleague from all across the globe.
Well thats enought for tonight I am sitting down to watch a program about the Tusanmi disaster in a few minutes. I can remember getting off a plane from a skiiing holiday in heathrow and seeing the news (at that point a day or more old) and ringing the plant in China and colleagues around the world to see who was there, fortunatly Andy and Karen who were in the region had other plans, none of the Shenzhen team were there, and the UK folks Gordon et al were all right having moved hotels the day before (this was confirmed as we saw him on the TV news arriving at the airport in Edinburgh). Just goes to show how wide our team is spread and how your thoughts turn to the team in those cases.
So see some of you in the USA, thanks to lees parents for their hospitality and advice, and lets see how the consultation goes next week.
Cheers
Gerry
Until then there is nothing I can do, I feel fine and I have a lot of stuff to sort out so I am heading off to the USA at 5am tomorrow to try to work through what to do with my backup for my job in either path A or path B. In the first part of the trip I will be with the IT community in Gore and the manufacturing leaders of the other divisions to cover our new IT system project and the plans for operations in China. Then I should have a days break in Manhatten just to indulge in a bit of shopping, cocktails and a broadway show - kind of a last extravagance before getting back into the closed world of hospitals and recovery. On Monday the leadership team of our Fabrics division, were I work, is getting together to discuss the plans for the next six months and some big investment decisions, so I am really pleased to be able to join them for that and a discussion about what to do about my work over the next months depending on path A or path B.
I am however feeling lucky again today as I spotted the police car lurking in the bushes before he managed to get a lock on my speed, and more importantly just caught a flash of movement in my mirror as he pulled out after me in the far distance. I guess these guys really wanted to bag an Aston Martin, because I sat right on the speed limit for 15min, in the dark, with cars speeding past me until finally he got fed up hanging back for me to let rip and cruised up beside me, pulled in front of me, and just sat there for a few miles.... before pulling off and setting up a new trap.
I had a nice trip up to Aberdeen in the car as it constantly gets good reactions from people, I think because they are rare, pretty and an English icon. In my old Porsche or the faster Impreza turbo I had guys would race you on the road to cut you up. In this case I was in busy traffic with an Impreza and a souped up clio all with 2-3 young guys in, so we played tag in and out of the traffic - no silly stuff just accelerating to about 85 when there was an opening in the traffic. I could accelerate more quickly than them, so was in front, but did not want to go too fast so they caught me up. Much to my surprise they just pulled up beside on an open road and made "go for it" signs - they just wanted to hear the engine and see the car squat down and go ! As it was a dry open road I did drop to third and boot it up to about 110, then dropped back down to a safe 80 when the others just tucked in behind and we went about 20 miles in convoy until they pulled off. I have never had a reaction like that on a road before I must admit it did make me smile.
I had a nice time up at Lee's parents house, Lee was so worried that I might miss the scan that she insisted I went up the day before. Her parents live about 200 meters from the scanner as her dad was a consultant at the hospital before he retired. She calls them Silvia and Gengus after a far side cartoon which featured Silvia and Gengus Kan at home, but actually her dad Dr Innes (or Sandy) is a great character who has a load of insightful stories about his time as a doctor, Silvia is a bit of a hippie, in some ways, who really has done a lot of research and gained qualifications in alternative medicine through a lot of study, so together I get a really nice balance of advice, crystals, books, diet, good conversation and good wishes from every trip up to see them. This was no exception and I feel emotionally built up by my conversations with both of them over the last two days.
When I returned I found that the missing windows for our loft conversion have finally arrived and they look excellent, I think Tim (the builder) and the guys, who have been with us now for about four months, have kind of become part of the extended family. They have done an excellent job on the work and also in interactions with the family. Hence the news was leaked to one of them and now everyone is being very kind and supportive, specially to Lee. To be honest I think this has been a really tough blow for Lee, I understand, as I think it is actually harder to be the partner in this type of situation, as added to all the issues you have the problem of powerlessness to deal with. At least I can chose how to face the music so I have some feeling of control, but for Lee she sees all the potential consequences and yet cannot herself grab any of it and make it different. I would be useless if our roles were swapped, and I feel terrible for the trouble I am causing her. She tried to go to a work event on Monday and could not get past meeting some friends to go together before the stress popped up in tears and the guys covered the base and sent her home. I hope once we get a plan for the treatment some of the uncertianty can be resolved and we can plan even in the short term to have some oasis of calm just for a few days to enjoy some of the normal things of life along with all this fuss.
So in summary, the scan is done, I feel fine, and all the sensible things to prepare for the next months and weeks will be put together in the next six days, and I will tilt my hat to the world with a trip to manhatten while waiting for the A or B decision. In the meantime Lee will go to a conference, kids have sleepovers with friends, homework will be done, decorating will be finished and life will go on much as before - which is how it should be. My feeling is that even in these extreme circumstances there is no where I would rather be based than here, with the occasional adventure to China or the USA just to remind me of how much I like being home, but also how much I enjoy working with such interesting colleague from all across the globe.
Well thats enought for tonight I am sitting down to watch a program about the Tusanmi disaster in a few minutes. I can remember getting off a plane from a skiiing holiday in heathrow and seeing the news (at that point a day or more old) and ringing the plant in China and colleagues around the world to see who was there, fortunatly Andy and Karen who were in the region had other plans, none of the Shenzhen team were there, and the UK folks Gordon et al were all right having moved hotels the day before (this was confirmed as we saw him on the TV news arriving at the airport in Edinburgh). Just goes to show how wide our team is spread and how your thoughts turn to the team in those cases.
So see some of you in the USA, thanks to lees parents for their hospitality and advice, and lets see how the consultation goes next week.
Cheers
Gerry
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Sunny sunday afternoon
I am surprised that the weather has been so good over the last three days, its seems like fate is conspiring to bring beautiful winter sunny days to combat my tendency to be depressed by the relapse news. Last night I decided that clean living could wait for a few days and polished off a bottle of wine in the course of the evening - which had the desired effect of knocking me out for the count and I slept solidly from 10pm until 7 this morning when the cat wanted out. Even with all that sleep I managed to creep back under the duvet and fell into one of those half awake half asleep comfortable naps, Lee calls this "hotting" as you are warm and cosy and have no special things to do or no work to go to, anyway whatever it is called it worked for me as I got up at nearly lunchtime feeling really relaxed and quite happy with the day.
In the meantime Lee had got up to look after the kids and they have gone off to Jim and Sarah's, when talking to Lee on the phone Sarah had asked how my check up went only to be met by tears from the other end of the phone as the question released some of the pent up emotion in Lee, she is feeling a bit better now and distracting herself by watching "The West Wing" under a blanket on the couch. I decided to get the MG out this afternoon and went for a little run just to keep the engine lubricated and to fill up with petrol, the weather forecast is for rain over the next two days before I may be on the way to the USA so this was the last chance for a while to get the car out and cleaned.
Google have taken over blog spot so I have had to transfer this blog over to their system (you should not notice any difference) and set up an account with them. You can see how some of these mega companies really do get everyone into their net, it seems this is not a good thing but I doubt if any country government is really capable of splitting up these monopolies. That would get me on to the need for a global government and we would be here for hours so we will not go down that rabbit hole.
Anyway my next job is to rewrite the short update section of the blog, delete cured add in relapse sort of thing, compose a note to my colleagues in work to let them know of the problem to see if anyone wants to help cover parts or all of my job, and then get into serious research on the stem cell treatment. I did discover a blog from a young man who had the treatment and survived so far for many years cancer free (http://www.davesite.com/hodgkins/mobil.shtml), he describes his feelings during the extreme chemo in the following words.
But I felt awful, and I was alive. I just had to find a way to kill the time.
I was scared, with all the antibiotics I was on. Then I realized, as long as I maintain homeostasis -- I'm not going anywhere. So I made a checklist in my head...
Am I breathing
Is my heart beating
Do I feel any real pain, or do I just feel like shit
Am I capable of telling someone I feel like shit
If those are true, I am alive. And I'm fighting.
And I knew I was going to make it.
So these kind of thoughts capture both the hope that I have (seems like a lot of folks are all right after the treatment) and the fear that I have (seems like this is going to to be really ugly on the way, which is weird as I feel 100 percent fine, and yet am going to have to subject myself to this horrible path even though I do not feel unwell at all). So I guess this is a small illustration of what I am thinking on the downside, however most of the time you just have to get on with the normal things of life. Monday I will go to work as usual, try to get my presentations and reports prepared for the meetings over the next week and chase up the hospital on the date for my scan. If I am very lucky (don't laugh I know, I know that's a stupid turn of phrase) then they may find the cancer in just in the one lymph node and direct radiotherapy may be a possibility, that would be my only way to avoid the ugly path. Lets keep the fingers crossed for that for now but I am preparing my head for the stem cell treatment as that is the most probable way forward.
Anyhow that's enough for today, I hope you all are enjoying the nice weather if you are in the UK or finishing up a happy thanksgiving if you are in the USA, soak it up and appreciate it because bad things can happen in life!
Cheers
Gerry
In the meantime Lee had got up to look after the kids and they have gone off to Jim and Sarah's, when talking to Lee on the phone Sarah had asked how my check up went only to be met by tears from the other end of the phone as the question released some of the pent up emotion in Lee, she is feeling a bit better now and distracting herself by watching "The West Wing" under a blanket on the couch. I decided to get the MG out this afternoon and went for a little run just to keep the engine lubricated and to fill up with petrol, the weather forecast is for rain over the next two days before I may be on the way to the USA so this was the last chance for a while to get the car out and cleaned.
Google have taken over blog spot so I have had to transfer this blog over to their system (you should not notice any difference) and set up an account with them. You can see how some of these mega companies really do get everyone into their net, it seems this is not a good thing but I doubt if any country government is really capable of splitting up these monopolies. That would get me on to the need for a global government and we would be here for hours so we will not go down that rabbit hole.
Anyway my next job is to rewrite the short update section of the blog, delete cured add in relapse sort of thing, compose a note to my colleagues in work to let them know of the problem to see if anyone wants to help cover parts or all of my job, and then get into serious research on the stem cell treatment. I did discover a blog from a young man who had the treatment and survived so far for many years cancer free (http://www.davesite.com/hodgkins/mobil.shtml), he describes his feelings during the extreme chemo in the following words.
But I felt awful, and I was alive. I just had to find a way to kill the time.
I was scared, with all the antibiotics I was on. Then I realized, as long as I maintain homeostasis -- I'm not going anywhere. So I made a checklist in my head...
Am I breathing
Is my heart beating
Do I feel any real pain, or do I just feel like shit
Am I capable of telling someone I feel like shit
If those are true, I am alive. And I'm fighting.
And I knew I was going to make it.
So these kind of thoughts capture both the hope that I have (seems like a lot of folks are all right after the treatment) and the fear that I have (seems like this is going to to be really ugly on the way, which is weird as I feel 100 percent fine, and yet am going to have to subject myself to this horrible path even though I do not feel unwell at all). So I guess this is a small illustration of what I am thinking on the downside, however most of the time you just have to get on with the normal things of life. Monday I will go to work as usual, try to get my presentations and reports prepared for the meetings over the next week and chase up the hospital on the date for my scan. If I am very lucky (don't laugh I know, I know that's a stupid turn of phrase) then they may find the cancer in just in the one lymph node and direct radiotherapy may be a possibility, that would be my only way to avoid the ugly path. Lets keep the fingers crossed for that for now but I am preparing my head for the stem cell treatment as that is the most probable way forward.
Anyhow that's enough for today, I hope you all are enjoying the nice weather if you are in the UK or finishing up a happy thanksgiving if you are in the USA, soak it up and appreciate it because bad things can happen in life!
Cheers
Gerry
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Two days in...denial, depression and bravado
Just got back from taking Poppy to Hockey practice almost exactly two days since my unexpected diagnosis of Hodgkins relapse. The very odd thing about this condition is that I feel perfectly fine (at least phisically) so I can jump out of bed get the Aston Martin out and go to Hockey just like all the other parents, if I felt inclined I could run round the park and be the sweaty picture of health I thought I was until thursday. So in many ways I dont want to take it easy or stop doing things as that just gives me more time to be distracted and think negative thoughts about the future.
So on Thursday I worked away at home talking to colleagues in Germany, as the US folks are all out on thanksgiving holidays these two days. On Friday I went into work as normal and actually sorted out a few problems with some tax and transfer price questions in China and managed to unblock a new supply agreement which will save the company a lot of money with some German colleagues. I sat back after that and a few meetings and thought "damm, damm, damm" because since I have been back, possibily due in part to the maturity brought on by the previous treatment, I have felt like I have been playing "at the top of my game" in work. Just as that starts to really show benefit and I was really enjoying being back - slam - back into the world of doctors, scans, worry and feeling crap. My friend Nick texted me and asked me if I had stopped thinking F*** every few minutes yet, in reality I think that will take a few weeks.
I had hoped to get a date for my PET scan on Friday but I did not hear from the hospital so I will chase them up on Monday. I hope to still make a business trip to the USA at the end of the week for about six days as I am presenting the outcome of a lot of work we have done over the last four months and it will give me the chance to work out a handover/cover plan for the next steps of the treatment with the leadership team who will all be in the USA at the same time. I also hope to make a day trip to New York on the Sunday for some Christmas shopping which would be a nice pre-treatment treat. However I will cut this short if the scanner is available of course but while I am waiting around I can wait in the USA (and be more distracted) just as well as moping around here before I am grounded for another six months at least.
Another strange thing about feeling fine is looking through the papers on the stem cell treatment and the other options and realising that although I look fine, and the next steps in treatment are great new inventions, the statistics are not anywhere near as good as before. Whats working in my favour is my age and general health but the treatment has significant risks if we end up in the stem cell replacement route so that is all pretty sobering. Then of course the only stastic that counts is my own, and that can be on either side of the line, so good attitude and fighting spirit are the only sensible options to stack the odds in my favour once again.
I do find myself walking around in a semi-daze from time to time, like time has somehow stopped, I think my head just wants to go back to the doctor and say " so that was the other guys notes right - you got me going there !", somehow no matter how much I think it, the reality does not change back to the previous "recoverd from cancer" status. What a pain in the but this is, really not a good way to make your day.
Good development is that the kids have taken things pretty well, I managed to tell them in a low key way that the doctors had "missed a bit" of the cancer and I would have to have some more treatment over the next few months. They reacted in the usual kids way of "OK dad" and then got back to their homework and arguing over eating sprouts or not for tea ! They continue to be a great source of normality as for them these days are just like the days last weekend and that helps me to move from hour to hour along with their normal routines and interests in who was evicted from the gameshow they like in the jungle.
So I guess we will be in limbo for a few weeks while scans and treatment plans are worked out, hopefully by the case meeting planned for the 11th of December we will know which path we are heading down and the rough timetable for the start of the treatment, till then I will keep the blog up to date with any appointments and test results as they become clear.
I will need to go back into my health oriented routine to build up my strength for the treatment but I think I will allow myself a few beers this weekend before diving into the green tea, exercise and diet preparations.
Well the leaves still need to be swept up in the garden cancer or no cancer, and its a nice sunny dry winter day, so I may as well make the best use of it !
Cheers
Gerry
So on Thursday I worked away at home talking to colleagues in Germany, as the US folks are all out on thanksgiving holidays these two days. On Friday I went into work as normal and actually sorted out a few problems with some tax and transfer price questions in China and managed to unblock a new supply agreement which will save the company a lot of money with some German colleagues. I sat back after that and a few meetings and thought "damm, damm, damm" because since I have been back, possibily due in part to the maturity brought on by the previous treatment, I have felt like I have been playing "at the top of my game" in work. Just as that starts to really show benefit and I was really enjoying being back - slam - back into the world of doctors, scans, worry and feeling crap. My friend Nick texted me and asked me if I had stopped thinking F*** every few minutes yet, in reality I think that will take a few weeks.
I had hoped to get a date for my PET scan on Friday but I did not hear from the hospital so I will chase them up on Monday. I hope to still make a business trip to the USA at the end of the week for about six days as I am presenting the outcome of a lot of work we have done over the last four months and it will give me the chance to work out a handover/cover plan for the next steps of the treatment with the leadership team who will all be in the USA at the same time. I also hope to make a day trip to New York on the Sunday for some Christmas shopping which would be a nice pre-treatment treat. However I will cut this short if the scanner is available of course but while I am waiting around I can wait in the USA (and be more distracted) just as well as moping around here before I am grounded for another six months at least.
Another strange thing about feeling fine is looking through the papers on the stem cell treatment and the other options and realising that although I look fine, and the next steps in treatment are great new inventions, the statistics are not anywhere near as good as before. Whats working in my favour is my age and general health but the treatment has significant risks if we end up in the stem cell replacement route so that is all pretty sobering. Then of course the only stastic that counts is my own, and that can be on either side of the line, so good attitude and fighting spirit are the only sensible options to stack the odds in my favour once again.
I do find myself walking around in a semi-daze from time to time, like time has somehow stopped, I think my head just wants to go back to the doctor and say " so that was the other guys notes right - you got me going there !", somehow no matter how much I think it, the reality does not change back to the previous "recoverd from cancer" status. What a pain in the but this is, really not a good way to make your day.
Good development is that the kids have taken things pretty well, I managed to tell them in a low key way that the doctors had "missed a bit" of the cancer and I would have to have some more treatment over the next few months. They reacted in the usual kids way of "OK dad" and then got back to their homework and arguing over eating sprouts or not for tea ! They continue to be a great source of normality as for them these days are just like the days last weekend and that helps me to move from hour to hour along with their normal routines and interests in who was evicted from the gameshow they like in the jungle.
So I guess we will be in limbo for a few weeks while scans and treatment plans are worked out, hopefully by the case meeting planned for the 11th of December we will know which path we are heading down and the rough timetable for the start of the treatment, till then I will keep the blog up to date with any appointments and test results as they become clear.
I will need to go back into my health oriented routine to build up my strength for the treatment but I think I will allow myself a few beers this weekend before diving into the green tea, exercise and diet preparations.
Well the leaves still need to be swept up in the garden cancer or no cancer, and its a nice sunny dry winter day, so I may as well make the best use of it !
Cheers
Gerry
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Back in the game
Well so much for the end of Gerryscancerdiary, today is the 23rd of November and at 9.15 today I met with Dr Yulle at the Western General Hospital only to hear her say "I am afraid its back" the words none of us want to hear specially so soon, this was my first full scan since the end of the treatment in August. So this morning has been a bit of a dazed muddle for me, I texted lee from the hospital and she met me back at the house, after a coffee and a cry we put our brave faces on and I started to call family and friends while she went to the Airport to pick up a visiting colleague. Now I have told mum, brothers and sister and some key folks at Gore I have got the story pretty straight in my head, so for thouse of you catching up here is the summary situation.
Originally my tumour was on the left side of my chest, the chemotherapy got most of it but they saw a small amount left behind so hit me with more chemotherapy and radiotherapy focussed on the tumour area. Normally this would be enough to eliminate the cancer completely, however in my case a piece of the cancer migrated from the left side to one of the nodes on the right side (hence ducking the radiotherapy) and has been growing since the chemo stopped some four months ago. So it seems like the rest of my body is cancer free, the orignal disease has been distroyed, but we have one lymph node on the right side of my chest which is showing signs of the disease ie is a tumour rather than a lymph gland. Bummer !
So next step is I need to get the very accurate PET scan done to see if the cancer cells are really contained in the one lymph node or if there is activity elsewhere. If it is contained in one lymph node then there is a chance that specific targeted radiotherapy in this region may be possible to distroy the cancer, as I had a lower dose last time I have some "margin" left which we can direct at the offending tumour, to add too much radiation to my system needs to be avoided as the chance of creating other cancers becomes significant in the longer term.
On the other hand if there is found to be active cells in other parts of the lymph system, and these have survived five months of the standard chemotherapy and are on the move again we may need to move things up a notch. This basically means going for a very severe chemotherapy which wipes out my immune system completely, essentially nearly killing me but not quite. Then having killed all the immune system cells, including the cancerous ones, they put back into my body stem cells which were previously harvested from my bone marrow which grow a new immune system for me while I live in a bubble to avoid infection. The dangers are that either I get an infection, which could be fatal as I have no immune system, or they harvest cancer cells along with the stem cells in which case both will grow back together ( this is less likly as this type of cancer is localised and does not spread eaisly to the bone marrow).
So all in all a pretty grim day for a thanksgiving holiday, at the moment my sensible head is in full control and pushing me to do all the necessary things to deal with life which of course continues ( I have just interrupted this to help holly with her maths homework for instance ). It seems like the PET scan will take a week or so and then the doctors will get together on the 11th of December to decide the treatment plan. Treatment is likely to start just before or just after Christmas and to last for a few months depending on the type of treatment.
For those of you who are not in regular contact we have made progress on some of the dreams and aspirations from the last generation of the blog. I did in the end buy my beautiful Aston Martin, I should work out a way to post a picture on the blog, we have nearly completed the roof conversion on the house the last windows are going in and the painter is working away on the rooms, we were hoping to spend the holiday sorting out all our stuff into the new rooms and furnishing the house so that it would be really comfortable for the future, lets hope we can still get that done and I have every chance to enjoy it during my recovery.
Well thats all for now, I guess its enough for anyones day, speak to you all as things unfold.
Cheers
Gerry
Originally my tumour was on the left side of my chest, the chemotherapy got most of it but they saw a small amount left behind so hit me with more chemotherapy and radiotherapy focussed on the tumour area. Normally this would be enough to eliminate the cancer completely, however in my case a piece of the cancer migrated from the left side to one of the nodes on the right side (hence ducking the radiotherapy) and has been growing since the chemo stopped some four months ago. So it seems like the rest of my body is cancer free, the orignal disease has been distroyed, but we have one lymph node on the right side of my chest which is showing signs of the disease ie is a tumour rather than a lymph gland. Bummer !
So next step is I need to get the very accurate PET scan done to see if the cancer cells are really contained in the one lymph node or if there is activity elsewhere. If it is contained in one lymph node then there is a chance that specific targeted radiotherapy in this region may be possible to distroy the cancer, as I had a lower dose last time I have some "margin" left which we can direct at the offending tumour, to add too much radiation to my system needs to be avoided as the chance of creating other cancers becomes significant in the longer term.
On the other hand if there is found to be active cells in other parts of the lymph system, and these have survived five months of the standard chemotherapy and are on the move again we may need to move things up a notch. This basically means going for a very severe chemotherapy which wipes out my immune system completely, essentially nearly killing me but not quite. Then having killed all the immune system cells, including the cancerous ones, they put back into my body stem cells which were previously harvested from my bone marrow which grow a new immune system for me while I live in a bubble to avoid infection. The dangers are that either I get an infection, which could be fatal as I have no immune system, or they harvest cancer cells along with the stem cells in which case both will grow back together ( this is less likly as this type of cancer is localised and does not spread eaisly to the bone marrow).
So all in all a pretty grim day for a thanksgiving holiday, at the moment my sensible head is in full control and pushing me to do all the necessary things to deal with life which of course continues ( I have just interrupted this to help holly with her maths homework for instance ). It seems like the PET scan will take a week or so and then the doctors will get together on the 11th of December to decide the treatment plan. Treatment is likely to start just before or just after Christmas and to last for a few months depending on the type of treatment.
For those of you who are not in regular contact we have made progress on some of the dreams and aspirations from the last generation of the blog. I did in the end buy my beautiful Aston Martin, I should work out a way to post a picture on the blog, we have nearly completed the roof conversion on the house the last windows are going in and the painter is working away on the rooms, we were hoping to spend the holiday sorting out all our stuff into the new rooms and furnishing the house so that it would be really comfortable for the future, lets hope we can still get that done and I have every chance to enjoy it during my recovery.
Well thats all for now, I guess its enough for anyones day, speak to you all as things unfold.
Cheers
Gerry
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The End of Gerryscancerdiary
After 6 months of blogging I think it is time to end the run of gerryscancerdiary as part of the transition back to our normal life. As things stand now all my treatments are complete and I am expected to make a full recovery back to normal health over the next six months.
Since the end of radiotherapy I have had nearly two weeks of holiday time to help my body recover, which will come to an end when I walk back into work on Tuesday next week for my first full day back in the office. So far the recovery has gone well, I do from time to time have some level of chest pain, as there is a reasonable amount of "collateral damage" to the tissue in my chest but its no more than you would feel if a footballer had head butted you at the end of the match. I do not yet have my usual energy level but I was blessed with a lot of natural energy before, so me at 75% can manage pretty well, and may even appear to be normal for a change.
Medically I am done with Hodgkins unless I am one of the unlucky 10 percent who gets the relapse, we will only know that in 1-2 years time, so for now the advice from the doctors is to get back in the game and just be a bit careful for a few months, I am not allowed to travel until mid September and, oddly, not allowed to go to my normal dentist until November so the hospital dentist is going to work on the abscess which made chemo 2 such a misery. I still sleep more than before, but that's no big deal, and my ability to concentrate seems to have returned to something close to normal.
Over the last weeks I have traveled with the kids and my mum to her house in Donegal for a week of playing on the beach, reading books and chilling out, despite the weather, which was not so favorable, but that did not keep Poppy and Holly out of the sea. Lees big conference in Glasgow went very well and she had articles published in the papers here and was on radio quite a lot, for a little while I felt like a press secretary for her as folks from the Sunday and daily newspapers called the house. Then I had a week with Poppy as Lee chilled out up in Deeside with Holly and Poppy had a watersports course at Queensferry, that gave me the time to do three critical things, reassemble my axel, sort out the loft for the builders who start tomorrow and to develop an obsessive interest in series one of "The West Wing" which my friend Charlie lent me and has been captivating all week, in fact I just finished the last episode.
Yesterday was spent at the farewell party for a friend who is going to Oz for a few years, Ken was Lees flatmate at university and introduced us when he worked at ICI Dumfries, so lots of old friends were at the afternoon garden party, which then developed for our group into a dinner party at our house - a great crack, as we say in Ireland, and a fantastic way to end this journey.
So I would once again like to thank all of our friends, family and colleagues who have managed to make our cancer journey a real journey of discovery, friendship, warmth and support which I could not have imagined in the whirl of my life before of this time - you have all been fantastic and we are privileged to know such a great group of people. In many cases you probably did not even realise how supportive just having normal conversations was when underneath I was sometimes not in as nearly a good a shape as I would let on, but all those interactions, even the phone calls from the couch for work, gave me targets day by day to help keep me going. It all really helped. Many of you have been great friends and comfort to us but to start to mention anyone would just keep me here all night, however the unsung hero of this whole time has of course been Lee, she had all of the worry inside but never wavered in her belief that this would work out fine and never allowed me to look on the dark side too much, I am an unreasonably and undeservedly, lucky man.
For the moment I am really looking forward to getting back to normal, though I think in reality normal will be different from here on. It seems to me we spend a short time on this earth and we forget that too often, the friendships we make and the positive difference we make for family, colleagues and friends is more important than all the other games which have different names like politics, results, blame, anger, frustration and winning. I feel have have learnt or relearnt that our work is the game, and an important game, but our relationships and the difference we make are the true reality, so I still hope to play well and with all the skill I can, because its fun and rewarding to do things well, but hopefully with more of a twinkle in the eye and more empathy for the difficult things which all of us face. So next time I ask "how are you" I will mean how are you really, underneath, with all the worries, crap and stresses attached I look forward to seeing a lot of you again face to face for that and many other conversations.
I will have a lot of nostalgia however for the good parts of the time I have spent at home with the family and our friends here in Edinburgh, it has been a very nice time for me and when I walk down the road here I now speak to two or three people every time, I hope I can keep a lot of that up. Spending so much time with Poppy and Holly has been just brilliant and has developed our relationships on many different levels, we have some plans to expand our vacation time in future to make the most of that while they still want to talk to "the old man"
So there it is, the end, I wish you all every blessing in the world and if I can ever help any of you as you have all helped us, it would be a privilege, just call, anytime.
Thanks
Gerry
Since the end of radiotherapy I have had nearly two weeks of holiday time to help my body recover, which will come to an end when I walk back into work on Tuesday next week for my first full day back in the office. So far the recovery has gone well, I do from time to time have some level of chest pain, as there is a reasonable amount of "collateral damage" to the tissue in my chest but its no more than you would feel if a footballer had head butted you at the end of the match. I do not yet have my usual energy level but I was blessed with a lot of natural energy before, so me at 75% can manage pretty well, and may even appear to be normal for a change.
Medically I am done with Hodgkins unless I am one of the unlucky 10 percent who gets the relapse, we will only know that in 1-2 years time, so for now the advice from the doctors is to get back in the game and just be a bit careful for a few months, I am not allowed to travel until mid September and, oddly, not allowed to go to my normal dentist until November so the hospital dentist is going to work on the abscess which made chemo 2 such a misery. I still sleep more than before, but that's no big deal, and my ability to concentrate seems to have returned to something close to normal.
Over the last weeks I have traveled with the kids and my mum to her house in Donegal for a week of playing on the beach, reading books and chilling out, despite the weather, which was not so favorable, but that did not keep Poppy and Holly out of the sea. Lees big conference in Glasgow went very well and she had articles published in the papers here and was on radio quite a lot, for a little while I felt like a press secretary for her as folks from the Sunday and daily newspapers called the house. Then I had a week with Poppy as Lee chilled out up in Deeside with Holly and Poppy had a watersports course at Queensferry, that gave me the time to do three critical things, reassemble my axel, sort out the loft for the builders who start tomorrow and to develop an obsessive interest in series one of "The West Wing" which my friend Charlie lent me and has been captivating all week, in fact I just finished the last episode.
Yesterday was spent at the farewell party for a friend who is going to Oz for a few years, Ken was Lees flatmate at university and introduced us when he worked at ICI Dumfries, so lots of old friends were at the afternoon garden party, which then developed for our group into a dinner party at our house - a great crack, as we say in Ireland, and a fantastic way to end this journey.
So I would once again like to thank all of our friends, family and colleagues who have managed to make our cancer journey a real journey of discovery, friendship, warmth and support which I could not have imagined in the whirl of my life before of this time - you have all been fantastic and we are privileged to know such a great group of people. In many cases you probably did not even realise how supportive just having normal conversations was when underneath I was sometimes not in as nearly a good a shape as I would let on, but all those interactions, even the phone calls from the couch for work, gave me targets day by day to help keep me going. It all really helped. Many of you have been great friends and comfort to us but to start to mention anyone would just keep me here all night, however the unsung hero of this whole time has of course been Lee, she had all of the worry inside but never wavered in her belief that this would work out fine and never allowed me to look on the dark side too much, I am an unreasonably and undeservedly, lucky man.
For the moment I am really looking forward to getting back to normal, though I think in reality normal will be different from here on. It seems to me we spend a short time on this earth and we forget that too often, the friendships we make and the positive difference we make for family, colleagues and friends is more important than all the other games which have different names like politics, results, blame, anger, frustration and winning. I feel have have learnt or relearnt that our work is the game, and an important game, but our relationships and the difference we make are the true reality, so I still hope to play well and with all the skill I can, because its fun and rewarding to do things well, but hopefully with more of a twinkle in the eye and more empathy for the difficult things which all of us face. So next time I ask "how are you" I will mean how are you really, underneath, with all the worries, crap and stresses attached I look forward to seeing a lot of you again face to face for that and many other conversations.
I will have a lot of nostalgia however for the good parts of the time I have spent at home with the family and our friends here in Edinburgh, it has been a very nice time for me and when I walk down the road here I now speak to two or three people every time, I hope I can keep a lot of that up. Spending so much time with Poppy and Holly has been just brilliant and has developed our relationships on many different levels, we have some plans to expand our vacation time in future to make the most of that while they still want to talk to "the old man"
So there it is, the end, I wish you all every blessing in the world and if I can ever help any of you as you have all helped us, it would be a privilege, just call, anytime.
Thanks
Gerry
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Fully cooked - no more cancer boy !
As the title indicates I have now officially been fully cooked by my radiotherapy and my treatment for Hodgkins disease is finally, after six months, over ! :-))
It feels good just to write that.
I reality its all a bit of an anticlimax, I went in for my normal zapping and brought a nice big box of chocolate for the staff in the radiotherapy suite. They were pleased with the present and happy that my side effects, other than being a sleepyhead, are so small. We parted with the traditional "hope to not see you again" which is the happy ending greeting the staff all use for both chemo and radiotherapy patients. In reality one in ten of us which this disease will have to troop back into the game but we will not know who that is for about two years. For now we are cured unless someone tells us otherwise and plan to jump back into normal life with gusto, and a bit of a yawn occasionally.
Plans for gusto did not survive well today as I had to do the mundane stuff of picking up the kids who were playing at Jim and Sarahs. I did manage to pick up a cold bottle of bubbly on the way and Sarah and I opened it to celebrate the last treatment, Lee was at the airport picking up some friends from Brazil but phoned in to join the festivities and Jim came home from work just in time to raise a glass. Lee is off entertaining tonight as her big conference is winding up and we have a bunch of the great and the good over for dinner tomorrow so in an interesting role reversal I will be executive's wife for the day cooking (in between sleeps and looking after the childeren who I will press gang into setting the table and helping with the cooking).
So tonight I am sitting on the couch with Poppy, Lucy and Holly watching the "princess diaries" and doing my blog on the laptop - content domestic bliss actually, which I am sure I will miss once I get back into the swing of things at work. They seem to have stacked up a raft of nasty problems for me on my "return" (though as one colleague said - I never really went away) which will keep me going for at least six months to get things back on the even keel that I have taken a bit for granted over the last few years but which unravelled surprisingly quickly once I was out of the line.
So the next two weeks I am regarding as holiday, the consultant said my fatigue should peak around 7 days after the end of the treatment and then slowly get better over about a month, though I am on the robust side as far as my response to the treatment went - I just hope my cancer is not as robust as me !
The first part of the holiday I will take the kids to Donegal with Mum to her holiday house there, hopefully the weather will hold and we will enjoy days on the beach building sand castles, playing football and even the occasional swim. We will set off on saturday and meet most of my family in Bangor before heading to Donegal which will be great fun, we will try to organise a family dinner together. Lee unfortunatly will be stuck back here running her conference ( I have been fielding calls from the local and national papers all week as they are running publicity articles in the science sections of the papers and sunday magazines)
Once we get back then Poppy has a sailing course and I have a bunch of projects (including the much delayed back axel which is still sitting in bits on the floor of the garage) to finish in order to be ready for the building work on the house which starts on the 21st of August. Hopefully we will have on more weekend at the campsite in Aberdeen before we take the tent down for another year.
I will not be blogging when I am in Donegal so I will probably make possibily a final entry or two into the blog to outline how the recovery and the first few weeks in work goes before shutting it down hopefully not to need it again.
For now I would really like to thank all the friends, family and colleagues who have supported us through this whole experience and made what could have been a very difficult time actually a very fulfilling one. Your practicle help, cover in work, friendship, support, humour and taking us away from the grind have been wonderful and inspiring for me. Thank you all very very much you really made a difference, I hope I can be there for you all as much as you have been there for me and the family.
When I look back at this experience I would never wish it on anyone, specially at the start when we thought it was a 50/50 deal ( the odds for the most common types of lymphoma), looking at your childern and your wife and thinking "crap I probably only have a few years left" is not a good experience for anyone at any age. However having lived through the ups and downs and so far being one of the lucky ones, which has its own guilt edge attached having met many who did or will not make it, I can say that the experience will have changed me at a very fundamental level. I feel much less inclined to anger or annoyance, have more time and tolerance for people, and get less stressed about the normal "crises" of work and life. Lets hope I can hold on to that perspective when I am back in the flow of work and normal life, this can be a great learning experience if I am smart enough to learn and act on the lessons.
So back to the couch, the princess diaries, chocolates and childern curled up together, what could be better.....
Cheers and thanks
Gerry
It feels good just to write that.
I reality its all a bit of an anticlimax, I went in for my normal zapping and brought a nice big box of chocolate for the staff in the radiotherapy suite. They were pleased with the present and happy that my side effects, other than being a sleepyhead, are so small. We parted with the traditional "hope to not see you again" which is the happy ending greeting the staff all use for both chemo and radiotherapy patients. In reality one in ten of us which this disease will have to troop back into the game but we will not know who that is for about two years. For now we are cured unless someone tells us otherwise and plan to jump back into normal life with gusto, and a bit of a yawn occasionally.
Plans for gusto did not survive well today as I had to do the mundane stuff of picking up the kids who were playing at Jim and Sarahs. I did manage to pick up a cold bottle of bubbly on the way and Sarah and I opened it to celebrate the last treatment, Lee was at the airport picking up some friends from Brazil but phoned in to join the festivities and Jim came home from work just in time to raise a glass. Lee is off entertaining tonight as her big conference is winding up and we have a bunch of the great and the good over for dinner tomorrow so in an interesting role reversal I will be executive's wife for the day cooking (in between sleeps and looking after the childeren who I will press gang into setting the table and helping with the cooking).
So tonight I am sitting on the couch with Poppy, Lucy and Holly watching the "princess diaries" and doing my blog on the laptop - content domestic bliss actually, which I am sure I will miss once I get back into the swing of things at work. They seem to have stacked up a raft of nasty problems for me on my "return" (though as one colleague said - I never really went away) which will keep me going for at least six months to get things back on the even keel that I have taken a bit for granted over the last few years but which unravelled surprisingly quickly once I was out of the line.
So the next two weeks I am regarding as holiday, the consultant said my fatigue should peak around 7 days after the end of the treatment and then slowly get better over about a month, though I am on the robust side as far as my response to the treatment went - I just hope my cancer is not as robust as me !
The first part of the holiday I will take the kids to Donegal with Mum to her holiday house there, hopefully the weather will hold and we will enjoy days on the beach building sand castles, playing football and even the occasional swim. We will set off on saturday and meet most of my family in Bangor before heading to Donegal which will be great fun, we will try to organise a family dinner together. Lee unfortunatly will be stuck back here running her conference ( I have been fielding calls from the local and national papers all week as they are running publicity articles in the science sections of the papers and sunday magazines)
Once we get back then Poppy has a sailing course and I have a bunch of projects (including the much delayed back axel which is still sitting in bits on the floor of the garage) to finish in order to be ready for the building work on the house which starts on the 21st of August. Hopefully we will have on more weekend at the campsite in Aberdeen before we take the tent down for another year.
I will not be blogging when I am in Donegal so I will probably make possibily a final entry or two into the blog to outline how the recovery and the first few weeks in work goes before shutting it down hopefully not to need it again.
For now I would really like to thank all the friends, family and colleagues who have supported us through this whole experience and made what could have been a very difficult time actually a very fulfilling one. Your practicle help, cover in work, friendship, support, humour and taking us away from the grind have been wonderful and inspiring for me. Thank you all very very much you really made a difference, I hope I can be there for you all as much as you have been there for me and the family.
When I look back at this experience I would never wish it on anyone, specially at the start when we thought it was a 50/50 deal ( the odds for the most common types of lymphoma), looking at your childern and your wife and thinking "crap I probably only have a few years left" is not a good experience for anyone at any age. However having lived through the ups and downs and so far being one of the lucky ones, which has its own guilt edge attached having met many who did or will not make it, I can say that the experience will have changed me at a very fundamental level. I feel much less inclined to anger or annoyance, have more time and tolerance for people, and get less stressed about the normal "crises" of work and life. Lets hope I can hold on to that perspective when I am back in the flow of work and normal life, this can be a great learning experience if I am smart enough to learn and act on the lessons.
So back to the couch, the princess diaries, chocolates and childern curled up together, what could be better.....
Cheers and thanks
Gerry
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Madonna and woodsmoke
We have had an interesting weekend the highlight of which was Madonnas concert opening her European tour. Along the lines of seizing the day Lee and I bought some tickets for Madonna just after I was diagnosed with Hodgkins and then with all the fuss about the treatment we completely forgot about them. Thankfully Lee had written the date in her diary and remembered that the concert was this Sunday just a few weeks ago.
At first, given all the other things that were going on, we thought of just giving them away to friends but after some discussion we felt that we would try and make it as my immune system is pretty much back to normal after the chemo. So Lee set off to Aberdeen for a bit of a break with the girls while I was having my radiotherapy last Thursday. I was rescued from watching back episodes of the West Wing (thanks Charlie) by Lees friend Lorna who took me out for dinner at a nice resturant with a terrace where we could see the sun set. A great evening where I was feeling the end of the treatment approach.
Lee then left Poppy and Holly with her sister (which they loved as Dot and Gordon took them to the Moscow state circus) and came back to Edinburgh to pick me up along with Gary and his cousin Maxine for the Madonna concernt. Sunday we headed off and had a great time at the concert staying over in Cardiff for the evening, fantastic show, but very tiring so on the way back on Monday I slept in the back seat of the car for about four hours while lee drove home chatting to Maxine (Gary had a meeting in London so could not travel back with us).
I then went to the hospital for my radiotherapy on Monday feeling pretty rested so afterwards I was able to go to Aberdeen to get the kids, staying over for the night in our camp and driving down in the afternoon to get the next dose of radiotherapy so now I am "medium rare" and have two more treatments before I am "well done". However after the treatment today I had to call my friend John and then just crashed out in bed for three hours exhausted. It seems like the fatigue which had been predicted as a result of the radiotherapy is now arriving and I have that old double jet lag feeling again, I can keep going when I have to but once I stop I fall asleep at the drop of a hat!
So tonight we are all home, Holly is sorting out the mail beside me, and all is well in the world, talk to you all tomorrow !
Gerry
At first, given all the other things that were going on, we thought of just giving them away to friends but after some discussion we felt that we would try and make it as my immune system is pretty much back to normal after the chemo. So Lee set off to Aberdeen for a bit of a break with the girls while I was having my radiotherapy last Thursday. I was rescued from watching back episodes of the West Wing (thanks Charlie) by Lees friend Lorna who took me out for dinner at a nice resturant with a terrace where we could see the sun set. A great evening where I was feeling the end of the treatment approach.
Lee then left Poppy and Holly with her sister (which they loved as Dot and Gordon took them to the Moscow state circus) and came back to Edinburgh to pick me up along with Gary and his cousin Maxine for the Madonna concernt. Sunday we headed off and had a great time at the concert staying over in Cardiff for the evening, fantastic show, but very tiring so on the way back on Monday I slept in the back seat of the car for about four hours while lee drove home chatting to Maxine (Gary had a meeting in London so could not travel back with us).
I then went to the hospital for my radiotherapy on Monday feeling pretty rested so afterwards I was able to go to Aberdeen to get the kids, staying over for the night in our camp and driving down in the afternoon to get the next dose of radiotherapy so now I am "medium rare" and have two more treatments before I am "well done". However after the treatment today I had to call my friend John and then just crashed out in bed for three hours exhausted. It seems like the fatigue which had been predicted as a result of the radiotherapy is now arriving and I have that old double jet lag feeling again, I can keep going when I have to but once I stop I fall asleep at the drop of a hat!
So tonight we are all home, Holly is sorting out the mail beside me, and all is well in the world, talk to you all tomorrow !
Gerry
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Maintaining Zap Fatigue
I managed an unplanned day off radiotherapy yesterday as the machine was down for some sort of maintenance for the day. However it seemed to be making all the right whirring and clicking noises today when I was on the table so I guess they fixed it properly. As before the radiotherapy is still a pretty easy ride compared to the chemo regium however I am begining to notice a drop in my concentration and stamina levels now. Each evening I am sleeping about two hours more, which was predicted, and I can tell I am not myself by the pile of undone things such as bill and ferry bookings, axel rebuilds which are progressing at a much slower rate than I would manage if I was 100 percent. Never the less I am feeling fine if a little tired and a nap can always sort that out.
So today Lee, who is in a mad panic about her big exibition in Glasgow next week, has set off to Aberdeen for a few days rest in the forest (probably with mobile phone going constantly) I am feilding calls from journalists and scientists like a seceatary, and not a very good one at that, who all seem to want to speak to her for deadlines (three calls so far tonight as I write this blog). She has not yet succumbed to a hands free headset for her phone like me, but I see the day is not too far away. Unfortunatly, due to the daily visits to the hospital, I have been left behind to potter on my own - which actually I am looking forward to as I have been doing most of the parenting for a few weeks so a break when I can potter at my own speed and perhaps catch up on my backlog is a nice idea.
The kids were a little sceptical about going camping with mom as I have tended to be the one to take them camping in the past. Poppy had a long list of things she had to be reassured about like "who will take care of spiders", "who will light the fire" and "who will make sure trees dont fall on our heads when we cut them down". After answering the questions I did feel a bit more appreciated and useful than before.
Exercise has been a bit hit or miss over the last week as Lee was working so hard she would just get home in time for me to head off to the hospital so cycling was not on. Hopefully I will make up some time when she is away and I dont have the kids around, tonight I managed a jog around the park which was very nice in the great summer weather we are having here. Later tonight I am going to meet some friends for dinner in town and will look forward to the festival crowds building up. Lee has booked us some tickets for Sunday night to see Madonna in concert (which is OK now my immune system is back up to normal levels) I only hope that I do not fall asleep in the seat !
The axel has been properly dismantled now and all the bits are apart and being slowely painted, mostly by Holly, so that they can hold off rust for a few more years. The only bit I am stuck on is how to "press" the bearings off the half shaft and "press" the new ones on without damaging the splines on the shaft or the new bearings. I think I might visit the local garage and see if they will do that part of the job for me while I watch and learn. I then have to "drift" some bits together which I have discovered is not the gentle glide of a sailboat as I thought, but involves hitting things very hard with a rubber covered hammer to get them to go together. Perhaps "pressing" involves some big vice like contraption as pushing with thumbs, hands or hammer has not shifted anything so far.
In between this emails, conference calls and catching up on the daily paper will keep me amused between naps !
Cheers for now
Gerry
So today Lee, who is in a mad panic about her big exibition in Glasgow next week, has set off to Aberdeen for a few days rest in the forest (probably with mobile phone going constantly) I am feilding calls from journalists and scientists like a seceatary, and not a very good one at that, who all seem to want to speak to her for deadlines (three calls so far tonight as I write this blog). She has not yet succumbed to a hands free headset for her phone like me, but I see the day is not too far away. Unfortunatly, due to the daily visits to the hospital, I have been left behind to potter on my own - which actually I am looking forward to as I have been doing most of the parenting for a few weeks so a break when I can potter at my own speed and perhaps catch up on my backlog is a nice idea.
The kids were a little sceptical about going camping with mom as I have tended to be the one to take them camping in the past. Poppy had a long list of things she had to be reassured about like "who will take care of spiders", "who will light the fire" and "who will make sure trees dont fall on our heads when we cut them down". After answering the questions I did feel a bit more appreciated and useful than before.
Exercise has been a bit hit or miss over the last week as Lee was working so hard she would just get home in time for me to head off to the hospital so cycling was not on. Hopefully I will make up some time when she is away and I dont have the kids around, tonight I managed a jog around the park which was very nice in the great summer weather we are having here. Later tonight I am going to meet some friends for dinner in town and will look forward to the festival crowds building up. Lee has booked us some tickets for Sunday night to see Madonna in concert (which is OK now my immune system is back up to normal levels) I only hope that I do not fall asleep in the seat !
The axel has been properly dismantled now and all the bits are apart and being slowely painted, mostly by Holly, so that they can hold off rust for a few more years. The only bit I am stuck on is how to "press" the bearings off the half shaft and "press" the new ones on without damaging the splines on the shaft or the new bearings. I think I might visit the local garage and see if they will do that part of the job for me while I watch and learn. I then have to "drift" some bits together which I have discovered is not the gentle glide of a sailboat as I thought, but involves hitting things very hard with a rubber covered hammer to get them to go together. Perhaps "pressing" involves some big vice like contraption as pushing with thumbs, hands or hammer has not shifted anything so far.
In between this emails, conference calls and catching up on the daily paper will keep me amused between naps !
Cheers for now
Gerry
Monday, July 24, 2006
Still zapping away
Today I got my third "zapping" after a break over the weekend and so far I have not felt any effects at all which is good, however it seems from talking to the doctor today that the effect of the radiotherapy is cumulative and the fatigue can get a bit stronger later in the treatment, even that would be fine compared to the trauma of chemotherapy.
Looking back on the chemo now, when I am not having to be tough and stay in the zone, is pretty scary. Quite a lot of the time I was really feeling pretty rough but trying to appear as normal as possible so we could all get on with our lives and not "suspend fun" for the months it took to complete that part of the treatment. Mentally it was hard to put out your hand to get the injection which you know was going to make you feel terrible for a week, and then go back and do it again. I think some form of denial is needed to get through all of that and not be miserable, which actually we managed quite well. There is no doubt that I am very very pleased that the chemo is over.
Radiotherapy treatment itself is pretty easy, everyone gets to know you quickly as you have to get the same thing done every day. It is a bit odd to be shifted around like a slab of meat by three young ladies who draw on you chest each day but the banter is good and they are friendly up to the point where they all scurry out of the way of the radiation. The machine shoots the radiation from three different angles and has to be alinged within a millimeter or so and checked after each zap to make sure I have not moved but the whole thing only takes about 15 min or so. That means I can leave the house around 3pm and be home for just before 5 pm.
The big challenge of the weekend was the disassembly of the rear axel of my MG which is now spread over the floor of the spare garage ready for cleaning and painting before being reassembled with the new differential sparkling in the middle. The usual amount of cursing huffing and puffing was required to get it apart as many of the nuts had not moved for 30 years but after two days of fairly casual work while doing other things as well it succumbed to the pressures of releasing oil, brute force and occasionally a blowtorch. Lets see how it goes back together once its painted before we celebrate.
One of the things I have learnt from my illness is to be a lot easier with myself than in the past, partly out of necessity and partly out of a general feeling of less urgency with task completion and more enjoyment of doing the task. Hence when I got a bit puffed out having managed to get one half shaft, bearing and oil seal levered out of the axel I came in had a cup of tea and decided to water the garden rather than get the other side done leaving that to the next day. The old me would not have backed off until the whole job was done. Well its done now and I enjoyed doing it much more by taking my time getting it done.
That can be my "thought for today" Sitting in the garden the other night we did list four things as key learnings from the experience, the other three were:
1 Wanting to spend good quality holiday time with Lee, Poppy and Holly when the children are still young.
2 A feeling that any of us can die or be incapacitated at any time so to do things now that we want to do, if we can afford to (still rules out the Aston).
3 I was surprised how much I missed the connections with my colleagues and how I am looking forward to seeing them all again in September.
No great philosophy there I am afraid, but the summary is I have enjoyed being here full time for a change and actually I am pretty happy with my life, just pleased to have more of it to look forward too !
Cheers for now
Gerry
Looking back on the chemo now, when I am not having to be tough and stay in the zone, is pretty scary. Quite a lot of the time I was really feeling pretty rough but trying to appear as normal as possible so we could all get on with our lives and not "suspend fun" for the months it took to complete that part of the treatment. Mentally it was hard to put out your hand to get the injection which you know was going to make you feel terrible for a week, and then go back and do it again. I think some form of denial is needed to get through all of that and not be miserable, which actually we managed quite well. There is no doubt that I am very very pleased that the chemo is over.
Radiotherapy treatment itself is pretty easy, everyone gets to know you quickly as you have to get the same thing done every day. It is a bit odd to be shifted around like a slab of meat by three young ladies who draw on you chest each day but the banter is good and they are friendly up to the point where they all scurry out of the way of the radiation. The machine shoots the radiation from three different angles and has to be alinged within a millimeter or so and checked after each zap to make sure I have not moved but the whole thing only takes about 15 min or so. That means I can leave the house around 3pm and be home for just before 5 pm.
The big challenge of the weekend was the disassembly of the rear axel of my MG which is now spread over the floor of the spare garage ready for cleaning and painting before being reassembled with the new differential sparkling in the middle. The usual amount of cursing huffing and puffing was required to get it apart as many of the nuts had not moved for 30 years but after two days of fairly casual work while doing other things as well it succumbed to the pressures of releasing oil, brute force and occasionally a blowtorch. Lets see how it goes back together once its painted before we celebrate.
One of the things I have learnt from my illness is to be a lot easier with myself than in the past, partly out of necessity and partly out of a general feeling of less urgency with task completion and more enjoyment of doing the task. Hence when I got a bit puffed out having managed to get one half shaft, bearing and oil seal levered out of the axel I came in had a cup of tea and decided to water the garden rather than get the other side done leaving that to the next day. The old me would not have backed off until the whole job was done. Well its done now and I enjoyed doing it much more by taking my time getting it done.
That can be my "thought for today" Sitting in the garden the other night we did list four things as key learnings from the experience, the other three were:
1 Wanting to spend good quality holiday time with Lee, Poppy and Holly when the children are still young.
2 A feeling that any of us can die or be incapacitated at any time so to do things now that we want to do, if we can afford to (still rules out the Aston).
3 I was surprised how much I missed the connections with my colleagues and how I am looking forward to seeing them all again in September.
No great philosophy there I am afraid, but the summary is I have enjoyed being here full time for a change and actually I am pretty happy with my life, just pleased to have more of it to look forward too !
Cheers for now
Gerry
Friday, July 21, 2006
First Zapping done
The big event of the day was the start of my radiotherapy treatment at the hospital. That turned out to be pretty easy and much less of a trauma than the chemotherapy. I turned up to the hospital 15min early and they took me right away straight into the treatment room where I had to lie out on a bed while they moved me around to get the alingment lasers on the machine and the tattos on my chest to line up. Once that was done they all got out of the way and the machine moved around me adjusting its shields and then applying the treatment. I was quite pleased to see that the shields are quite complex using interlocking rods to create a very exact shaped apature for the radiation which is adjusted for each angle to protect the heart as much as possible. In any case I did not feel a thing this first time and as I write this blog a day later I have not had any side affects.
As a precaution I am keeping up some light exercise, drinking lots of water and keeping up a vitamin regium to protect the heart as best as possible from damage. My plan to cycle to the hospital was not carried out as I left the bicycles in Aberdeen without thinking I needed one for the hospital run so today I think I will try walking to the hospital and jogging back (just because I dont want to be sweaty when the radiographers are drawing things under my armpits !).
Apart from that event everything else is going well, I had a flurry of work just ahead of the radiotherapy, including meeting with some colleagues in the UK which sorted out what I would focus on when I returned to full time work. Poppy has just had her birthday party which involved four of her friends staying for a sleepover, I ended up trying to get them to sleep at 2am, 3am and 4am so I was a bit of a grumpy Dad this morning as you might imagine. My friend Shaun came over last night to updated me on the gossip from work and we swapped tales of growing up families while enjoying the warm evening in the garden.
So overall things are going well here in Edinburgh, it looks like the radiotherapy will be an eaiser run than the trauma of chemo, the sun is shining, and the demands of work are a bit lower as colleagues take time off for their summer holidays.
Cheers for now
Gerry
As a precaution I am keeping up some light exercise, drinking lots of water and keeping up a vitamin regium to protect the heart as best as possible from damage. My plan to cycle to the hospital was not carried out as I left the bicycles in Aberdeen without thinking I needed one for the hospital run so today I think I will try walking to the hospital and jogging back (just because I dont want to be sweaty when the radiographers are drawing things under my armpits !).
Apart from that event everything else is going well, I had a flurry of work just ahead of the radiotherapy, including meeting with some colleagues in the UK which sorted out what I would focus on when I returned to full time work. Poppy has just had her birthday party which involved four of her friends staying for a sleepover, I ended up trying to get them to sleep at 2am, 3am and 4am so I was a bit of a grumpy Dad this morning as you might imagine. My friend Shaun came over last night to updated me on the gossip from work and we swapped tales of growing up families while enjoying the warm evening in the garden.
So overall things are going well here in Edinburgh, it looks like the radiotherapy will be an eaiser run than the trauma of chemo, the sun is shining, and the demands of work are a bit lower as colleagues take time off for their summer holidays.
Cheers for now
Gerry
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Idyllic break in the mountians
We just got back tonight from our holiday break up north and a great time was had by all. Initially we went to Lees parents cottage in the woods, set up the Mulligan family tent and spent our time cutting trees, making fires, and just enjoying the view of the hills. Lee was still working so myself holly and poppy joined in with the grandparents and had a nice time around our campfire. Lees parents house is in a wood with a small stream flowing by and you can walk out into the moorland and mountians so it is a fantastic place to camp as we have the backup of the cottage and yet have our own big tent in the woods and campfire. We left the campsite set up and will probably visit over the next few weeks, Lee and the girls may head up when I have to stay in Edinburgh for my daily radiotherapy treatments.
Once lee came up we had a few days together in the camp and then we headed off to Jim and Sarahs lodge at Loch rannoch in the highlands. I was looking forward to a wooden cabin with primitive facilities by the lakeside but the place was fantastic and as big as our flat overlooking the lake with lots of things to do in the surrounding area. As it happened some other friends, Pete and Jane, were staying nearby totally by accident so we had a great holidy. As we had three families together we were able to split up on different days to take care of those who wanted to go to the tea shop and those who wanted to climb a Munro (scottish mountian over 3000ft high for the US readers). My friend Jim climbed his first Munro and caught his first fish on the lake when "the Boys" went fishing and returned at 10pm with (my) large (3kg) trout which the whole family was able to have for a late tea. The good outcome was that all the boys managed to catch a fish over the two nights. Even little Collette the youngest of the group managed to climb a pretty impressive mountian overlooking Loch Rannoch. So a great time was had by all, my stamina has been really built up just in time for the radiotherapy and I no longer need to sleep in the afternoons.
So this week is planned for some work activity starting on sunday night through to tuesday then I go in for the "set up" session of the radiotherapy. The radiotherapy should take about 3 weeks and I should be able to catch up on some work during that period, once it is over the kids and I will set off for Donegal and I will build up my strenght for getting back to work at the end of August.
So I will let you know how the radiotherapy set up works out on tuesday and what the final timetable is for the treatments. We are all chilled out an relaxed here I hope your holidays are going just as well.
Cheers
Gerry
Thanks to Jim and Sarah
Once lee came up we had a few days together in the camp and then we headed off to Jim and Sarahs lodge at Loch rannoch in the highlands. I was looking forward to a wooden cabin with primitive facilities by the lakeside but the place was fantastic and as big as our flat overlooking the lake with lots of things to do in the surrounding area. As it happened some other friends, Pete and Jane, were staying nearby totally by accident so we had a great holidy. As we had three families together we were able to split up on different days to take care of those who wanted to go to the tea shop and those who wanted to climb a Munro (scottish mountian over 3000ft high for the US readers). My friend Jim climbed his first Munro and caught his first fish on the lake when "the Boys" went fishing and returned at 10pm with (my) large (3kg) trout which the whole family was able to have for a late tea. The good outcome was that all the boys managed to catch a fish over the two nights. Even little Collette the youngest of the group managed to climb a pretty impressive mountian overlooking Loch Rannoch. So a great time was had by all, my stamina has been really built up just in time for the radiotherapy and I no longer need to sleep in the afternoons.
So this week is planned for some work activity starting on sunday night through to tuesday then I go in for the "set up" session of the radiotherapy. The radiotherapy should take about 3 weeks and I should be able to catch up on some work during that period, once it is over the kids and I will set off for Donegal and I will build up my strenght for getting back to work at the end of August.
So I will let you know how the radiotherapy set up works out on tuesday and what the final timetable is for the treatments. We are all chilled out an relaxed here I hope your holidays are going just as well.
Cheers
Gerry
Thanks to Jim and Sarah
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Plans fail in a nice way
As expected I could not muster enough energy to repair the back axel of the car in time for the trip down the A68 to see Neville so the boring family wagon was used instead. In reality that worked out well as it allowed me to listen to the agonising end of the England game on the radio which I would have not been able to do in the MG. I was sad for the England team as they played well and to go out on penalties is always disappointing. However the drive down to the south of Edinburgh on the old A68 is one of the nicest in the UK, but not covered in speed cameras which means you have to stick strictly to the speed limit (which actually helps enjoy the views).
It was nice to see Neville again as we had not met up since I had been in Hong Kong so we had some dinner and sat in the garden watching the sun set, Neville has a great view over rolling countryside which looks directy to the setting sun. We then watched "Shaun of the dead" which is a kind of cult british comedy movie which Neville loves and I had not seen. A few glasses of red wine were consumed and lots of good chat resulted though Neville complained of a sore head this morning.
Today off to the car show to help the team set up the stands, ribbed as expected by the guys in the club for not getting my car there but it was a super summer day so I enjoyed looking around the cars with some buddies and comparing notes on the merits of Weber vs SU carbs etc. After the drive up and down I did have a sneak sleep for a couple of hours but I think the fatigue is gradually lifting, I think as I am eating well my digestive system is stabilising and that is giving me more energy. Hopefully in a week or two things should be more normal.
Tomorrow I am off to work for the morning as a colleague is visiting from Germany, poor man has started working for my team a few months ago and has only met me once, so its worth making the effort to talk through his plans for the next six months. On tuesday we hope to set off on our camping trip to the cottage Lee's parents have near Balmoral up north, I will go up with the kids first and Lee will join us once she has finished some work she has to do.
So there may not be too much blogging over the next two weeks
Cheers
Gerry
It was nice to see Neville again as we had not met up since I had been in Hong Kong so we had some dinner and sat in the garden watching the sun set, Neville has a great view over rolling countryside which looks directy to the setting sun. We then watched "Shaun of the dead" which is a kind of cult british comedy movie which Neville loves and I had not seen. A few glasses of red wine were consumed and lots of good chat resulted though Neville complained of a sore head this morning.
Today off to the car show to help the team set up the stands, ribbed as expected by the guys in the club for not getting my car there but it was a super summer day so I enjoyed looking around the cars with some buddies and comparing notes on the merits of Weber vs SU carbs etc. After the drive up and down I did have a sneak sleep for a couple of hours but I think the fatigue is gradually lifting, I think as I am eating well my digestive system is stabilising and that is giving me more energy. Hopefully in a week or two things should be more normal.
Tomorrow I am off to work for the morning as a colleague is visiting from Germany, poor man has started working for my team a few months ago and has only met me once, so its worth making the effort to talk through his plans for the next six months. On tuesday we hope to set off on our camping trip to the cottage Lee's parents have near Balmoral up north, I will go up with the kids first and Lee will join us once she has finished some work she has to do.
So there may not be too much blogging over the next two weeks
Cheers
Gerry
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Bummer of a birthmark !
One of lees favourite cartoonists is "The Far Side" so we have some old collections on our bookshelves, one depicts two deer standing side by side with one having a target on its back while the other says "bummer of a birthmark Hal". Today I sort of know how the deer feels, with Lee off for a few days in Oslo I was contacted by the hospital to attend my "targeting" CT scan this morning. So Poppy, Holly and I all set off in a taxi to the Western General Hospital with a supply of colouring books and pens so that they (the medics not the childeren) could set up the reference points for the radiotherapy. So finally after 44 years of being pretty boring I now have some (actually really small) target tattos on my torso, these were set in place in the middle of a big polo mint (and without any of the nice anesetic cream used by professional tatto places). Apparently these small marks create reference points which the radiotherapy beams use to set their locations (up 10 down 2 shoot etc). The whole thing was over pretty quickly and the kids were fine so all in all we are getting pretty professional and blase at this hospital/cancer thing !
Tonight Lee has got back from Oslo I have been showing off my targets and making plans to buy Poppy her birthday present tomorrow ( a few weeks early ) she wants a trampolene so that is the main part of our day tomorrow, apart from a few conference calls. In addition I have a new back axel to fix onto the MG on Saturday so that I can drive to Northumbria, see my old mate Neville on Saturday night and then go to the MG show on Sunday. Unfortunatly having spent a few pounds on a new axel, after the old one made bad grinding sounds when I was out with Jeff last week, I find that the new axel does not come with half shafts, bearings or oil seals. In short what I expected to be a half day spanner job has become a two day detail alingment and complex shimming job and requires the removal of the full carberettor system, exhaust system and rear brake/suspension system on the car to get the access needed to put the new axel in place. All to be done and road tested by Saturday evening. So that may not happen as my current ability to concentrate and work is limited, at one point yesterday evening I can remember lying on the creeper (rolling thing that gets you under the car) looking at the sun setting for about 10 min while mustering the energy to look for the spanner I needed. So each day I think about spending 2 hrs or so on the job but actually work for about 30min before deferring the next task to the next day. I suspect I will go to the show in the Mondeo in the end, no doubt to some ribbing from my MG club friends, a dilemma will be if I should take a break for the England game Saturday, history in the making so I think the spanners will need to have a rest.
Over this last week I am seeing more of the symptoms of being disconnected from work for a long period of time, that means that my chances of interacting with people informaly and picking up hints and suggestions has been strongly constrained and so my "radar" has been compromised. Hence unexpected things happen and some concerns get legs which could have been dealt with earlier and more in the context of an overall plan. I guess there is little I can do about that which would not push my stress levels and/or work rates above what makes sense for me just now (still sleeping today despite work and MG crisis from 2pm to 4pm so it just shows how much fatigue I still have in my system). So we have suffered some setbacks and need to regroup in some work areas, I am firmly putting that in a box labelled "deal with that in September" although I have one or two discussions planned in the meantime. Overall the lesson of the six months has been that the colleagues have done a great job so my hope is to only come back in areas where I am acutally adding value and leave many of the colleagues who have "stepped up" to cover my absence with their new responsibilities, this should help them develop and grow as long as they have the time available to carry on.
The next period of time is basically going to be some family time camping and at the lodge which I am really looking forward to, then radiotherapy time for a few weeks which I will work part time through, and then some chill out time in Ireland with the family, kids and mum for rebuilding soul and getting my fitness up to the level where I can go a whole day without sleeping in the middle. I can say that this time has had the very strong benefit of building relationships with the family and in the local community as I am not always "away" as I was before. I will miss lunch at the cafe across the street and chatting to the local bucher about his holiday plans, its been a privilage to be able to experience a different type of life closer to a homemaker than my normal existance, and not without its emotional and perspective changing opportunities. However the balance to this is I had no idea how much of a family and a community my friends in Gore globally had become, and how much I had become personally engrained in their success and contentment with the committments they took in Gore. I have enjoyed the uninterrupted contact with my own family but missed more than I thought the contact with the family atmosphere in Gore.
So a lot of thought about how to balance the two in future will be needed over the rest of the summer !
So on that note, enjoy the summer, specially if you are from the USA have a nice 4th of July and remember to take your holidays, in the end you will make better business decisions and find better perspective, good perspective and judgement are the key to good decisions and good decisions are the key to good buisness.
Holidays make profit.........sounds good anyway !
Cheers
Gerry
Tonight Lee has got back from Oslo I have been showing off my targets and making plans to buy Poppy her birthday present tomorrow ( a few weeks early ) she wants a trampolene so that is the main part of our day tomorrow, apart from a few conference calls. In addition I have a new back axel to fix onto the MG on Saturday so that I can drive to Northumbria, see my old mate Neville on Saturday night and then go to the MG show on Sunday. Unfortunatly having spent a few pounds on a new axel, after the old one made bad grinding sounds when I was out with Jeff last week, I find that the new axel does not come with half shafts, bearings or oil seals. In short what I expected to be a half day spanner job has become a two day detail alingment and complex shimming job and requires the removal of the full carberettor system, exhaust system and rear brake/suspension system on the car to get the access needed to put the new axel in place. All to be done and road tested by Saturday evening. So that may not happen as my current ability to concentrate and work is limited, at one point yesterday evening I can remember lying on the creeper (rolling thing that gets you under the car) looking at the sun setting for about 10 min while mustering the energy to look for the spanner I needed. So each day I think about spending 2 hrs or so on the job but actually work for about 30min before deferring the next task to the next day. I suspect I will go to the show in the Mondeo in the end, no doubt to some ribbing from my MG club friends, a dilemma will be if I should take a break for the England game Saturday, history in the making so I think the spanners will need to have a rest.
Over this last week I am seeing more of the symptoms of being disconnected from work for a long period of time, that means that my chances of interacting with people informaly and picking up hints and suggestions has been strongly constrained and so my "radar" has been compromised. Hence unexpected things happen and some concerns get legs which could have been dealt with earlier and more in the context of an overall plan. I guess there is little I can do about that which would not push my stress levels and/or work rates above what makes sense for me just now (still sleeping today despite work and MG crisis from 2pm to 4pm so it just shows how much fatigue I still have in my system). So we have suffered some setbacks and need to regroup in some work areas, I am firmly putting that in a box labelled "deal with that in September" although I have one or two discussions planned in the meantime. Overall the lesson of the six months has been that the colleagues have done a great job so my hope is to only come back in areas where I am acutally adding value and leave many of the colleagues who have "stepped up" to cover my absence with their new responsibilities, this should help them develop and grow as long as they have the time available to carry on.
The next period of time is basically going to be some family time camping and at the lodge which I am really looking forward to, then radiotherapy time for a few weeks which I will work part time through, and then some chill out time in Ireland with the family, kids and mum for rebuilding soul and getting my fitness up to the level where I can go a whole day without sleeping in the middle. I can say that this time has had the very strong benefit of building relationships with the family and in the local community as I am not always "away" as I was before. I will miss lunch at the cafe across the street and chatting to the local bucher about his holiday plans, its been a privilage to be able to experience a different type of life closer to a homemaker than my normal existance, and not without its emotional and perspective changing opportunities. However the balance to this is I had no idea how much of a family and a community my friends in Gore globally had become, and how much I had become personally engrained in their success and contentment with the committments they took in Gore. I have enjoyed the uninterrupted contact with my own family but missed more than I thought the contact with the family atmosphere in Gore.
So a lot of thought about how to balance the two in future will be needed over the rest of the summer !
So on that note, enjoy the summer, specially if you are from the USA have a nice 4th of July and remember to take your holidays, in the end you will make better business decisions and find better perspective, good perspective and judgement are the key to good decisions and good decisions are the key to good buisness.
Holidays make profit.........sounds good anyway !
Cheers
Gerry
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Double Jet Lag
I had read that the fatigue effect of the chemotherapy treatment was cumulative, but I had not really realised quite how much. Now two weeks after my last chemo treatment ( I really like saying my last chemo it has such a good sound ) I expected to be feeling well and on the road to recovery. Actually I am feeling well, in a general sense, but I have really lost a lot of energy, yesterday I sat on the couch and looked at some cups I should move into the kitchen for about 10 min before I could muster the energy to get up and do the dishes, and then went for a sleep afterwards !. This morning I made it out of bed fine at 7am, got the kids sent off to school, tidyed up the mess they created on the way, and found myself lying down for 10 min only to wake up at noon. That was after having gone to bed at 10pm the night before and sleeping soundly all night. The strange thing, which is why it is like jet lag, is that at any one specific time you can concentrate and appear to be pretty normal/recovered but the underlying energy level is very far short of normal. All of which is fine, it does not hurt, and the body needs it to recover but it does cause me to be cross with myself until I remind myself that its OK to take time to get my strength back. I managed to get to work twice in the last week both for half day meetings but once again as soon as I got home I was out like a light.
This week Lee is off to Oslo for her big lecture/conference where she is one of the keynote speakers, she always gets pretty wound up ahead of these events and then pulls of a good show in the end. I heard from her today and the lecture she gave seems to have gone down very well so she can relax and enjoy the boat tour of the fyjords this evening. Its kind of a role reversal for us as I have the kids at home and she is off on business !
The good news in the post today is that I have my CAT scan to set up the targeting for the radiotherapy on Thursday and then I get set up on a simulator for the treatment starting on the 18th of July, treatment will run until around about the 1st of August so as my fatigue from the chemo wears off the fatigue from the radiotherapy should start to kick in, Mr Sleepy head is probably with me until mid August. It seems like I should be able to go back to working full time at the plant around the 24th of August and be ready to travel again in time for a planned meeting on September the 12th in Germany. I am looking forward to getting back to normal life but I will miss some aspects of the time I have had at home - perhaps some reflection blogs will be written as I get nearer to the end of the treatment.
Holiday plans seem to be sorted out, in the gap before radiotherapy we will head up to Lee's parents house (some time next week) for a bit of camping in the forest followed by a few days with Jim and Sarah in a lodge they have for a week on the edge of Loch Rannoch, so that will give me fresh air, great family time, and a chance to detox. I will be at home for the next 3 weeks as I get my daily radiotherapy treatments and will be keeping up with emails and calls for that time. Then once the treatment is over I will take the girls over to Ireland to see the family and go with Mum up to her holiday house in Donegal for 10 days of computer free, phone free, stress free relaxation - Lee is running a big conference and public lecture event in Glasgow those two weeks so its best if we are out of the way and she can concentrate on the work she needs to do and join us later.
So there may be a break in the blog over the weeks we are away as internet connections are not reliable in those locations (July 5th to 15th and August 5th to 12th ). Otherwise I will try to keep you posted on the treatments, side effects are not expected to be as severe as those seen with chemo, the consultant said that I probably would not notice anything at the low doses they are using except a bit of fatigue. Lets hope she is right !
Time for my 1pm phone conference, cheers for now
Gerry
This week Lee is off to Oslo for her big lecture/conference where she is one of the keynote speakers, she always gets pretty wound up ahead of these events and then pulls of a good show in the end. I heard from her today and the lecture she gave seems to have gone down very well so she can relax and enjoy the boat tour of the fyjords this evening. Its kind of a role reversal for us as I have the kids at home and she is off on business !
The good news in the post today is that I have my CAT scan to set up the targeting for the radiotherapy on Thursday and then I get set up on a simulator for the treatment starting on the 18th of July, treatment will run until around about the 1st of August so as my fatigue from the chemo wears off the fatigue from the radiotherapy should start to kick in, Mr Sleepy head is probably with me until mid August. It seems like I should be able to go back to working full time at the plant around the 24th of August and be ready to travel again in time for a planned meeting on September the 12th in Germany. I am looking forward to getting back to normal life but I will miss some aspects of the time I have had at home - perhaps some reflection blogs will be written as I get nearer to the end of the treatment.
Holiday plans seem to be sorted out, in the gap before radiotherapy we will head up to Lee's parents house (some time next week) for a bit of camping in the forest followed by a few days with Jim and Sarah in a lodge they have for a week on the edge of Loch Rannoch, so that will give me fresh air, great family time, and a chance to detox. I will be at home for the next 3 weeks as I get my daily radiotherapy treatments and will be keeping up with emails and calls for that time. Then once the treatment is over I will take the girls over to Ireland to see the family and go with Mum up to her holiday house in Donegal for 10 days of computer free, phone free, stress free relaxation - Lee is running a big conference and public lecture event in Glasgow those two weeks so its best if we are out of the way and she can concentrate on the work she needs to do and join us later.
So there may be a break in the blog over the weeks we are away as internet connections are not reliable in those locations (July 5th to 15th and August 5th to 12th ). Otherwise I will try to keep you posted on the treatments, side effects are not expected to be as severe as those seen with chemo, the consultant said that I probably would not notice anything at the low doses they are using except a bit of fatigue. Lets hope she is right !
Time for my 1pm phone conference, cheers for now
Gerry
Friday, June 23, 2006
Updated summary
I updated the fast summary this evening after watching the football with the Jim's so if you are new to the blog this is the best way to get the overall picture. A plan was hatched to go round Iceland on motorbike which I agreed to as long as I was driving the support jeep and it did not clash with walleye camp next year in Canada. So it could be that three 40 something chaps are seen out on 50cc motorbike attempting to get their licenses next summer!
Looking out for the German and England games tomorrow and then Lee heads off for a few days to Oslo for a conference leaving me to manage the school lunches and pickups in between my sleeps (today from 11 am to 3pm out like a light!)
Positive vibes from Edinburgh (helped by two pints of 80bob beer)
Gerry
Looking out for the German and England games tomorrow and then Lee heads off for a few days to Oslo for a conference leaving me to manage the school lunches and pickups in between my sleeps (today from 11 am to 3pm out like a light!)
Positive vibes from Edinburgh (helped by two pints of 80bob beer)
Gerry
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Next phase - radioactive boy !
Today I had a long discussion with the consultants on the next steps for my treatment. At the core of this is the decision wether or not to have radiotherapy treatments. Fortunatly the USA Journal of Onocology has just published an editorial reveiw of this subject as it has been a "hot" topic over the last year in the expert community. In the end they have recommended that combined chemotherapy/radiotherapy using the moderen system and a dosage around 20-30Gy. After discussion today that is exactly what we have agreed to progress with as there are two critical facts which are pretty fresh (1) the disease free progression rates seem to be coming out as around 84% without and 93% with radiotherapy added, (2) the long term cancer risk historically was as high as 16% but modern treatments at lower dose are now showing no significant long term risk of fatal consequences (though there are a range of non fatal issues).
So overall the balance of risk, or the least worst option, is to proceed with the radiotherapy.
This means that I have two weeks now to recuperate from the chemotherapy, so that inflammation etc is stabilised and the radiotherapy will run from the 18th July through to about the 2nd of August. This is a daily treatment at the hospital so will consume a few hours per day getting there getting changed and getting back again. I will need to start to build up my physical fitness as well as my immune system over this time, the chemo is toxic to both heart and lung function so I get breathless even taking the shopping in from the car at the moment. The good news is that the danger from infection is not nearly as serious during radiotherapy and side effects are not expected to be too severe (just a bit of sleepyness). Once the radiotherapy is done then the treatment is finished !! So hopefully given about 2-3 weeks recovery time working part time from home I will graduate to full time working in the UK from about the last week in August and then be ready to travel again from around mid september. While it will be nice to see colleagues again I am not looking forward to seeing Heathrow, six months away has been a great break.
The follow up scans etc do not happen until about three months after the treatment has finished and then continue over the next five years pretty intensivily as the relapse rate is about one in ten, hopefully with the radiotherapy and my general fitness and risk profile I will be on the right side of that line. In any case the mean time to relapse is about 18 months so I will charge back into normal life in September and deal with any other outcome when and if it happens.
I plan to sit down with Lee tonight and try to organise a few weeks camping in Scotland and a visit to my mums house in Donegal for a week to get a proper break from computers and email in effect a proper summer holiday, with treatment and some conference committments we will have to squeeze this in as we can around the kids summer holidays and activities, but its nice to finally be able to make a plan.
Cheers
Gerry
So overall the balance of risk, or the least worst option, is to proceed with the radiotherapy.
This means that I have two weeks now to recuperate from the chemotherapy, so that inflammation etc is stabilised and the radiotherapy will run from the 18th July through to about the 2nd of August. This is a daily treatment at the hospital so will consume a few hours per day getting there getting changed and getting back again. I will need to start to build up my physical fitness as well as my immune system over this time, the chemo is toxic to both heart and lung function so I get breathless even taking the shopping in from the car at the moment. The good news is that the danger from infection is not nearly as serious during radiotherapy and side effects are not expected to be too severe (just a bit of sleepyness). Once the radiotherapy is done then the treatment is finished !! So hopefully given about 2-3 weeks recovery time working part time from home I will graduate to full time working in the UK from about the last week in August and then be ready to travel again from around mid september. While it will be nice to see colleagues again I am not looking forward to seeing Heathrow, six months away has been a great break.
The follow up scans etc do not happen until about three months after the treatment has finished and then continue over the next five years pretty intensivily as the relapse rate is about one in ten, hopefully with the radiotherapy and my general fitness and risk profile I will be on the right side of that line. In any case the mean time to relapse is about 18 months so I will charge back into normal life in September and deal with any other outcome when and if it happens.
I plan to sit down with Lee tonight and try to organise a few weeks camping in Scotland and a visit to my mums house in Donegal for a week to get a proper break from computers and email in effect a proper summer holiday, with treatment and some conference committments we will have to squeeze this in as we can around the kids summer holidays and activities, but its nice to finally be able to make a plan.
Cheers
Gerry
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Radiotherapy here we come ?
Regular readers will have understood the debate we have been having about the application of radiotherapy following chemo 8. In preparation for the discussion with the consultants on Thursday I spent most of last night reading and downloading the most up to date papers on the subject, as much as to ensure I know the right questions to ask on thursday. Fortunatly for me there have been a number of significant studies published since Feb when I did my first research on the treatment. To cut a long story short the modern inverted field highly directed radiotherapy had much lower rates of cancer or heart damage than that seen in the past and it does seem to reduce the relapse rate of the disease by about 10 percent (ie with radiotherapy 90 percent disease free progression vs 80 percent or so for no radiotherapy) the secondary cancer risk seems to be about 2-3 percent so the net benefit is about 8 percent. Unfortunatly there is no 100 percent treatment option that I can tick ! There was a pretty definitive editorial paper in the US Journal of Onocology in March which brings this all together and basically says take the radiotherapy, so it seems like that may be the path. So the discussion on thursday will more be about doses, protection of vital organs, length of treatment etc rather than do we/don't we discussion I was originally expecting.
I shall spend tomorrow night looking into supporting strategies with diet etc to set myself up for going to hospital every day for the next month or so, and dealing with the side effects of the treatment. Apparently the big short term side effect is fatigue and the diet plans can help manage the damage to heart tissue. I think the most difficult thing for me will be the time taken each day going back and forward to the hospital, waiting around, getting the treatment etc. Better get a good book !
The downside of this is I will be stuck in Edinburgh during the school holidays and with daily hospital visits and the fatigue that will constrain what we can do with the time together as a family. Once I know the detials of the treatment plan I will let you all know.
Cheers
Gerry
I shall spend tomorrow night looking into supporting strategies with diet etc to set myself up for going to hospital every day for the next month or so, and dealing with the side effects of the treatment. Apparently the big short term side effect is fatigue and the diet plans can help manage the damage to heart tissue. I think the most difficult thing for me will be the time taken each day going back and forward to the hospital, waiting around, getting the treatment etc. Better get a good book !
The downside of this is I will be stuck in Edinburgh during the school holidays and with daily hospital visits and the fatigue that will constrain what we can do with the time together as a family. Once I know the detials of the treatment plan I will let you all know.
Cheers
Gerry
Monday, June 19, 2006
40 % Sick
Lee, as many of you may know is very much into taste and has to have her breakfast in bed with eggs done just in a certian way. I used to think she was just fussy but then when she correctly identified 8 out of 10 whiskies just by taste at a work event I began to realise she really has a sensitive palate. One of her ambitions is to get some proper wine tasting qualifications so that could be on the list for fun things to do after treatment.
Anyway along the same lines our new standing joke is that she prefers me at 40% sick or so. She has developed this theory having observed me somewhat hyper on steriods (120% of normal energy, totally unbearable), my normal restless self (100% needs to be distracted with projects, work and hobbies), on the chemo crash sleeping and feeling ill (60% sick, not looking too well) and on recovery from chemo (40% sick ). In the latter phase I am tired and not so full of energy so I am pliable, do not rush around doing "projects", let her read her book in peace, nap in the afternoon and have even been know to say "no thanks I am too tired". All in all she gets a peaceful life and finds me easy to live with as I am not Tiggering around. I am sure some colleagues can probably sympathise.
In this context my remaking the flower bed which was crushed by the rennovation of the stone wall has proceeded slowely since last week, with world cup football taking the major share of my relaxing time (easy to watch and you can sleep a bit to be woken by the goals). However yesterday for a few hours Holly and I worked away and it is now 50 percent done, with the weeding done by me and planting/watering done by Holly. She is very pleased with "Hollys garden" so we will need to find a matching Poppys garden so as to keep things balanced (and get some help with the weeding !).
After last weekends social whirl I had a very quiet weekend, as you can probably tell the chemo fatigue is cumulative to some extent so thursday and friday were mostly spent under the duvet sleeping. I did wake up for a few business calls but more or less went straight back to bed once they were done as I had no energy at all. Friday Lee had a "girls" night out while I watched USA play, and Saturday Poppy won a gold medal in the school sports day for relay running. In the evening both kids were on sleepovers so we had a quiet night in (ie me asleep Lee enjoying the peace and quiet) and a long peaceful lie in on Sunday morning.
I have regained some energy through Sunday but ducked out of my MG car run just in case I fell asleep on the way back from Boness where it was held. Today I am going to toddle into work for the afternoon to meet some colleagues, join a few phone calls and to take a friend Jeff from the USA out for an early curry.
Tomorrow I will be on the internet extending my research into the pros and cons of radiotherapy in time for my discussion with the consultants on Thursday. It seems that some of the modern techniques are much less likley to cause later cancers, and the radiotherapy may improve the chance of the Hodgkins reappearing, on the other hand, as the affected glands are around my heart the chance of later heart problems are increased, choices, choices. Anyhow I am trying my best to be open minded and get to the facts, so far it seems like a fair amount of judgement will be needed on Thursday. The good news is that I should have some idea of a timetable for treatment, holidays and return to work once I see the consultants that will help get me out of limbo and let me plan (you can see 20% sick me emerging !)
Thats all for now, I will let you all know what we conclude on Thursday and the timetable that results, hopefully we can build in holiday time and some time back in Ireland over the next few months.
Cheers
Gerry
Anyway along the same lines our new standing joke is that she prefers me at 40% sick or so. She has developed this theory having observed me somewhat hyper on steriods (120% of normal energy, totally unbearable), my normal restless self (100% needs to be distracted with projects, work and hobbies), on the chemo crash sleeping and feeling ill (60% sick, not looking too well) and on recovery from chemo (40% sick ). In the latter phase I am tired and not so full of energy so I am pliable, do not rush around doing "projects", let her read her book in peace, nap in the afternoon and have even been know to say "no thanks I am too tired". All in all she gets a peaceful life and finds me easy to live with as I am not Tiggering around. I am sure some colleagues can probably sympathise.
In this context my remaking the flower bed which was crushed by the rennovation of the stone wall has proceeded slowely since last week, with world cup football taking the major share of my relaxing time (easy to watch and you can sleep a bit to be woken by the goals). However yesterday for a few hours Holly and I worked away and it is now 50 percent done, with the weeding done by me and planting/watering done by Holly. She is very pleased with "Hollys garden" so we will need to find a matching Poppys garden so as to keep things balanced (and get some help with the weeding !).
After last weekends social whirl I had a very quiet weekend, as you can probably tell the chemo fatigue is cumulative to some extent so thursday and friday were mostly spent under the duvet sleeping. I did wake up for a few business calls but more or less went straight back to bed once they were done as I had no energy at all. Friday Lee had a "girls" night out while I watched USA play, and Saturday Poppy won a gold medal in the school sports day for relay running. In the evening both kids were on sleepovers so we had a quiet night in (ie me asleep Lee enjoying the peace and quiet) and a long peaceful lie in on Sunday morning.
I have regained some energy through Sunday but ducked out of my MG car run just in case I fell asleep on the way back from Boness where it was held. Today I am going to toddle into work for the afternoon to meet some colleagues, join a few phone calls and to take a friend Jeff from the USA out for an early curry.
Tomorrow I will be on the internet extending my research into the pros and cons of radiotherapy in time for my discussion with the consultants on Thursday. It seems that some of the modern techniques are much less likley to cause later cancers, and the radiotherapy may improve the chance of the Hodgkins reappearing, on the other hand, as the affected glands are around my heart the chance of later heart problems are increased, choices, choices. Anyhow I am trying my best to be open minded and get to the facts, so far it seems like a fair amount of judgement will be needed on Thursday. The good news is that I should have some idea of a timetable for treatment, holidays and return to work once I see the consultants that will help get me out of limbo and let me plan (you can see 20% sick me emerging !)
Thats all for now, I will let you all know what we conclude on Thursday and the timetable that results, hopefully we can build in holiday time and some time back in Ireland over the next few months.
Cheers
Gerry
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Chemo 8 smooth run
Yesterday I went in for Chemo 8 and things were much better back to my old self, confidence was high, line went in fine, and the day passed in reasonable chat with the other patients. Some how in a busy ward with machine alarms going off regulariy it is hard to concentrate on a book so I have resorted to magazines and newspapers but pretty soon we drop into chatting with the other patients about their "story" it is amazing the folks you meet and the difficulties they are going through. Compared to most of them Hodgkins is a pretty easy run.
For the first time in my life I have been able to watch about half the world cup matches mostly because I am home and they are on at 5pm and 8pm UK time which is great. I am not normally a football fan but I am finding myself drawn in because I am at home, which is unusual, and I can get a chance to build up an idea of the form for the teams. So when I am feeling tired and naseaous then my sickness meds, a bottle of water and a football game are a reasonable retreat.
Most of this week is taken up with handing out pay rises (or not) on the phone, normally we would do these face to face but with my travel restrictions I am doing these on the phone, in 80% of cases its pretty happy news so this is a pretty nice part of the job. No big plans for this week just a flower bed to rebuild after the wall construction was finished in the garden and taking it easy as the chemo fatigue kicks in later in the week. My buddies in Eau Claire are all away on the fishing trip I had planned to go on (good news is Lee says I can go next year) so we may see some updates from them around Sunday when they get back and start to dry out. I am pretty jealous of them and disappointed not to be there.
However all is basically going well here the summer weather continues to lighten up our moods and once the radiotherapy decision is made next Thursday we can begin to plan for July and the school holidays.
Cheers
Gerry
For the first time in my life I have been able to watch about half the world cup matches mostly because I am home and they are on at 5pm and 8pm UK time which is great. I am not normally a football fan but I am finding myself drawn in because I am at home, which is unusual, and I can get a chance to build up an idea of the form for the teams. So when I am feeling tired and naseaous then my sickness meds, a bottle of water and a football game are a reasonable retreat.
Most of this week is taken up with handing out pay rises (or not) on the phone, normally we would do these face to face but with my travel restrictions I am doing these on the phone, in 80% of cases its pretty happy news so this is a pretty nice part of the job. No big plans for this week just a flower bed to rebuild after the wall construction was finished in the garden and taking it easy as the chemo fatigue kicks in later in the week. My buddies in Eau Claire are all away on the fishing trip I had planned to go on (good news is Lee says I can go next year) so we may see some updates from them around Sunday when they get back and start to dry out. I am pretty jealous of them and disappointed not to be there.
However all is basically going well here the summer weather continues to lighten up our moods and once the radiotherapy decision is made next Thursday we can begin to plan for July and the school holidays.
Cheers
Gerry
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Footballs coming home ?
Just writing this after a very jolly weekend which passed incredibly quickly. Events started when our friend Ken called on friday early evening while lee was still in work, just as the first game was about to kick off, so we had a chat about his news inbetween goals and near goals. The Lee arrived so I set off to get more wine to feul Lee and Kens follow up discussion from the shop across the road. I had just heard that Saturday was to be the hottest day of the year so when I ran into Jim in the shop I boldy declared open house for the England game and a barbque for the evening. Called into Jim and Sarahs on the way home to invite them and phoned Nick and Bernise.
So to cut a long story short we had five of "the boys" round for the match and then a barbie with wives, their childeren, other childern (some of whom were on sleepovers at other houses) etc etc. At one point we had about 16 folks running around, eating, drinking, cycling, making tents, playing music and other jolly stuff in our house and garden. We sat out until about 11pm and the last of the folks left aroun 1.30am (taking one of our childern but we had another left behind so we were all square on headcount by the end !). Thankfully the majority of the evening was in the open air so there was not much chance of infection and I stayed well away from the childern to minimise my risks, so the various other dads got to break up arguements or swing little ones by their ankles !
In the middle of all this I offered my services as a crewmember on Kens boat for the "commodores race" the next day, Sunday, so at 11.30 I headed off and had a fine day sailing on the Forth with Ken and his daughter Robin (7 yrs) not gettting back until 8pm. So now I am a bit suntanned despite hat and factor 30 suncream, I have managed to get the kids to bed, lee is watching a rerun of her favourite TV program and I am off to bed happy and very tired.
In one funny moment I forgot my growth factor injection so we turned back and I had to run into the house and pick it up on the way to the boat, so my growth factor was injected parked in the street while Ken went to the bank! Does cause a few funny looks from people walking by.
Tomorrow is the day for getting back into the zone hopefully for my last chemo on Tuesday, I will take care with the preparations this time to try to avoid the problems we seen last time. Even tonight I am loading my meditation CD into the bedside player to start to get me back in the right mood for the chemo and the sore bones which will start tomorrow or tonight.
So off to bed tired and happy
Cheers
Gerry
So to cut a long story short we had five of "the boys" round for the match and then a barbie with wives, their childeren, other childern (some of whom were on sleepovers at other houses) etc etc. At one point we had about 16 folks running around, eating, drinking, cycling, making tents, playing music and other jolly stuff in our house and garden. We sat out until about 11pm and the last of the folks left aroun 1.30am (taking one of our childern but we had another left behind so we were all square on headcount by the end !). Thankfully the majority of the evening was in the open air so there was not much chance of infection and I stayed well away from the childern to minimise my risks, so the various other dads got to break up arguements or swing little ones by their ankles !
In the middle of all this I offered my services as a crewmember on Kens boat for the "commodores race" the next day, Sunday, so at 11.30 I headed off and had a fine day sailing on the Forth with Ken and his daughter Robin (7 yrs) not gettting back until 8pm. So now I am a bit suntanned despite hat and factor 30 suncream, I have managed to get the kids to bed, lee is watching a rerun of her favourite TV program and I am off to bed happy and very tired.
In one funny moment I forgot my growth factor injection so we turned back and I had to run into the house and pick it up on the way to the boat, so my growth factor was injected parked in the street while Ken went to the bank! Does cause a few funny looks from people walking by.
Tomorrow is the day for getting back into the zone hopefully for my last chemo on Tuesday, I will take care with the preparations this time to try to avoid the problems we seen last time. Even tonight I am loading my meditation CD into the bedside player to start to get me back in the right mood for the chemo and the sore bones which will start tomorrow or tonight.
So off to bed tired and happy
Cheers
Gerry
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Ticking Along
Just a quick post to say all is well over here.
Apart from that I have been working away on some reviews I have taken on to keep me busy and the normal demand of different people issues in work, this is the one area that I have tried to keep going as a lot of it is based on personal relationships which are hard to hand over if you intend as I do to return to work around September.
I have now fully recovered from the chemo, apart from deterioation of nails, thinner hair, loss of touch in my fingers and toes and a certian amount of tiredness/breathlessness all of which will pass once I stop the chemo. The next treatment is due on Tuesday and I will take more care with my preparations this time round given what happened last time. Fun will be provided by watching the opening of the world cup with Nick, him being English and my friend Jim being a Scot should help the entertainment.
My local doctor saw me yesterday to give me the offical form which allows me to stay off work if I want for another two months but permits "light working" and hence gives me a get out clause for when I want to get into the plant or go to meetings. I am missing our big semi-annual Gore meeting for all the manufacturing folks in Washington this week which is a disappointment but nothing I can do about it unfortunatly.
So nice summer days here in Edinburgh, ticking over with my work stuff and not feeing too stressed. I am looking forward to the consultation on the 22nd as that is when I will decide if radio therapy is needed and can then make plans for life after treatment, everything is pretty much on hold for a few weeks until that decision point is reached.
Time to water the garden
Cheers
Gerry
Apart from that I have been working away on some reviews I have taken on to keep me busy and the normal demand of different people issues in work, this is the one area that I have tried to keep going as a lot of it is based on personal relationships which are hard to hand over if you intend as I do to return to work around September.
I have now fully recovered from the chemo, apart from deterioation of nails, thinner hair, loss of touch in my fingers and toes and a certian amount of tiredness/breathlessness all of which will pass once I stop the chemo. The next treatment is due on Tuesday and I will take more care with my preparations this time round given what happened last time. Fun will be provided by watching the opening of the world cup with Nick, him being English and my friend Jim being a Scot should help the entertainment.
My local doctor saw me yesterday to give me the offical form which allows me to stay off work if I want for another two months but permits "light working" and hence gives me a get out clause for when I want to get into the plant or go to meetings. I am missing our big semi-annual Gore meeting for all the manufacturing folks in Washington this week which is a disappointment but nothing I can do about it unfortunatly.
So nice summer days here in Edinburgh, ticking over with my work stuff and not feeing too stressed. I am looking forward to the consultation on the 22nd as that is when I will decide if radio therapy is needed and can then make plans for life after treatment, everything is pretty much on hold for a few weeks until that decision point is reached.
Time to water the garden
Cheers
Gerry
Sunday, June 04, 2006
The ease of pottering around
Following the tricky events of chemo 7 this last few days have been spent generally pottering around to the great benefit of all involved. Previously chemo had been set up on a friday allowing most of the weekend and Monday to recover before the demands of conference calls and "events" began to require the attention of my work head. This has been pretty effective from a work point of view, but this week with chemo 7 on tuesday I had to survive thursday and friday (my low points after the chemo). So in essence I slept between phone calls or took them from under my duvet on Thursday and when it came to friday I just slept, literally from 7.30pm thursday night to 11am Friday, lunch/phone call and back to sleep for most of the afternoon, back in bed by 5pm up for a few hours around 10pm and then back to sleep again. The chemo fatigue is cumulative so as I get further chemos then the "wipe out" phase becomes more pronounced.
Anyway the big surprise was waking up on Saturday morning thinking "I feel all right again" having been watching the clock go round on thursday so I could take my next dose of anti nausia pills and sleeping most of Friday that was a real relief. The sun was shining so I pottered off to the garden and cut the lawn and my neighbours lawn, then I fitted my new seats and walnut door cappings to the MG while cleaning and polishing it for the show on Sunday. I started fitting bits to the car around 1pm and finished polishing the chrome around 9pm but it felt like only a few hours had passed. Along the way different friends and neighbours in the garages turned up and chatted or held bits while I tried to assemble them. Lee even came out with cups of tea and later with a medicinal gin and tonic around 6pm and helped me lever some washers into place on the seat anchor points. As I went back into the house the sun was just setting and the smell of the cut lawn was still in the air, car safely tucked up in its garage polished and ready for the morning. Emotionally such a contrast to tuesday I felt stable and happy again which was great.
This last week it feels like Poppy has moved out at 11 years old, she went to Aberfeldy on a week long school trip last Sunday and has come back even "cooler" than she went away, luckly practice on the local climbing wall with Holly and I meant she was totally unphased by the events and really enjoyed her time away. Her friends from the trip are now friends for life, right up to the day after she got back when she went for a "sleepover" with some other friends and then straight to a football competition on Sunday so we have hardly seen her all week. We finished up today with a walk to the local park which has a funfair running at the moment Poppy and Holly tried to get me to go on the rides but I am to wimpish to compete with them. My friend Jim and his daughter Lucy were there at the same time so we were able to swap favourites for the world cup while watching the childeren scare themselves to bits.
I set off to the car show at Thirlstane castle early this morning with the MG club folks, all in convoy down through the scottish border country. It was a beautiful sunny day and stupidly early on a sunday so we roared through the sleepy villages. Once we got to the grounds we set up our stand of 15 cars, flags, posters and bunting to try to win the "best club stand trophy" from our arch rivals the Trimuph club. Sufficient to say we have the number 1 cup still in our pub at the end of the event.
Lee and Holly came down at lunchtime with a nice picnic and we wandered around the cars, bouncy castles, real castles, candy floss etc for a few hours in the sunshine and generally enjoyed ourselves. Holly elected to stay with me when Lee headed off to beat the end of show rush and helped dismantle the stand with all the "grown ups" giving her stuff to take to the little trailer we use, she reveled in the attention and ended up with a few pound coins in pocket from club members (many of whom are retired with grandchildern and have a soft spot for Holly). So Holly and I headed home in the MG on the old A68 zipping past slower cars on the straights as the MG has a tuned up rally engine so is about 40% more powerful than standard.
Once we got home and put the car away Poppy came home and we headed to the Fair for an hour, as I walked back, with the sun setting, I thought some of the happiest times are just pottering around doing silly things on a summer sunday, and without a care in the world.
Sometimes the simple things are the most satisfying and peaceful
So childeren are now in bed and snoozing happily, I am finishing my blog with a glass of wine, the cats are asleep on the sofa, and Lee is watching her singing contest on the TV, all is well in Edinburgh !
Cheers
Gerry
Anyway the big surprise was waking up on Saturday morning thinking "I feel all right again" having been watching the clock go round on thursday so I could take my next dose of anti nausia pills and sleeping most of Friday that was a real relief. The sun was shining so I pottered off to the garden and cut the lawn and my neighbours lawn, then I fitted my new seats and walnut door cappings to the MG while cleaning and polishing it for the show on Sunday. I started fitting bits to the car around 1pm and finished polishing the chrome around 9pm but it felt like only a few hours had passed. Along the way different friends and neighbours in the garages turned up and chatted or held bits while I tried to assemble them. Lee even came out with cups of tea and later with a medicinal gin and tonic around 6pm and helped me lever some washers into place on the seat anchor points. As I went back into the house the sun was just setting and the smell of the cut lawn was still in the air, car safely tucked up in its garage polished and ready for the morning. Emotionally such a contrast to tuesday I felt stable and happy again which was great.
This last week it feels like Poppy has moved out at 11 years old, she went to Aberfeldy on a week long school trip last Sunday and has come back even "cooler" than she went away, luckly practice on the local climbing wall with Holly and I meant she was totally unphased by the events and really enjoyed her time away. Her friends from the trip are now friends for life, right up to the day after she got back when she went for a "sleepover" with some other friends and then straight to a football competition on Sunday so we have hardly seen her all week. We finished up today with a walk to the local park which has a funfair running at the moment Poppy and Holly tried to get me to go on the rides but I am to wimpish to compete with them. My friend Jim and his daughter Lucy were there at the same time so we were able to swap favourites for the world cup while watching the childeren scare themselves to bits.
I set off to the car show at Thirlstane castle early this morning with the MG club folks, all in convoy down through the scottish border country. It was a beautiful sunny day and stupidly early on a sunday so we roared through the sleepy villages. Once we got to the grounds we set up our stand of 15 cars, flags, posters and bunting to try to win the "best club stand trophy" from our arch rivals the Trimuph club. Sufficient to say we have the number 1 cup still in our pub at the end of the event.
Lee and Holly came down at lunchtime with a nice picnic and we wandered around the cars, bouncy castles, real castles, candy floss etc for a few hours in the sunshine and generally enjoyed ourselves. Holly elected to stay with me when Lee headed off to beat the end of show rush and helped dismantle the stand with all the "grown ups" giving her stuff to take to the little trailer we use, she reveled in the attention and ended up with a few pound coins in pocket from club members (many of whom are retired with grandchildern and have a soft spot for Holly). So Holly and I headed home in the MG on the old A68 zipping past slower cars on the straights as the MG has a tuned up rally engine so is about 40% more powerful than standard.
Once we got home and put the car away Poppy came home and we headed to the Fair for an hour, as I walked back, with the sun setting, I thought some of the happiest times are just pottering around doing silly things on a summer sunday, and without a care in the world.
Sometimes the simple things are the most satisfying and peaceful
So childeren are now in bed and snoozing happily, I am finishing my blog with a glass of wine, the cats are asleep on the sofa, and Lee is watching her singing contest on the TV, all is well in Edinburgh !
Cheers
Gerry
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