Two days in...denial, depression and bravado

Just got back from taking Poppy to Hockey practice almost exactly two days since my unexpected diagnosis of Hodgkins relapse. The very odd thing about this condition is that I feel perfectly fine (at least phisically) so I can jump out of bed get the Aston Martin out and go to Hockey just like all the other parents, if I felt inclined I could run round the park and be the sweaty picture of health I thought I was until thursday. So in many ways I dont want to take it easy or stop doing things as that just gives me more time to be distracted and think negative thoughts about the future.

So on Thursday I worked away at home talking to colleagues in Germany, as the US folks are all out on thanksgiving holidays these two days. On Friday I went into work as normal and actually sorted out a few problems with some tax and transfer price questions in China and managed to unblock a new supply agreement which will save the company a lot of money with some German colleagues. I sat back after that and a few meetings and thought "damm, damm, damm" because since I have been back, possibily due in part to the maturity brought on by the previous treatment, I have felt like I have been playing "at the top of my game" in work. Just as that starts to really show benefit and I was really enjoying being back - slam - back into the world of doctors, scans, worry and feeling crap. My friend Nick texted me and asked me if I had stopped thinking F*** every few minutes yet, in reality I think that will take a few weeks.

I had hoped to get a date for my PET scan on Friday but I did not hear from the hospital so I will chase them up on Monday. I hope to still make a business trip to the USA at the end of the week for about six days as I am presenting the outcome of a lot of work we have done over the last four months and it will give me the chance to work out a handover/cover plan for the next steps of the treatment with the leadership team who will all be in the USA at the same time. I also hope to make a day trip to New York on the Sunday for some Christmas shopping which would be a nice pre-treatment treat. However I will cut this short if the scanner is available of course but while I am waiting around I can wait in the USA (and be more distracted) just as well as moping around here before I am grounded for another six months at least.

Another strange thing about feeling fine is looking through the papers on the stem cell treatment and the other options and realising that although I look fine, and the next steps in treatment are great new inventions, the statistics are not anywhere near as good as before. Whats working in my favour is my age and general health but the treatment has significant risks if we end up in the stem cell replacement route so that is all pretty sobering. Then of course the only stastic that counts is my own, and that can be on either side of the line, so good attitude and fighting spirit are the only sensible options to stack the odds in my favour once again.

I do find myself walking around in a semi-daze from time to time, like time has somehow stopped, I think my head just wants to go back to the doctor and say " so that was the other guys notes right - you got me going there !", somehow no matter how much I think it, the reality does not change back to the previous "recoverd from cancer" status. What a pain in the but this is, really not a good way to make your day.

Good development is that the kids have taken things pretty well, I managed to tell them in a low key way that the doctors had "missed a bit" of the cancer and I would have to have some more treatment over the next few months. They reacted in the usual kids way of "OK dad" and then got back to their homework and arguing over eating sprouts or not for tea ! They continue to be a great source of normality as for them these days are just like the days last weekend and that helps me to move from hour to hour along with their normal routines and interests in who was evicted from the gameshow they like in the jungle.

So I guess we will be in limbo for a few weeks while scans and treatment plans are worked out, hopefully by the case meeting planned for the 11th of December we will know which path we are heading down and the rough timetable for the start of the treatment, till then I will keep the blog up to date with any appointments and test results as they become clear.

I will need to go back into my health oriented routine to build up my strength for the treatment but I think I will allow myself a few beers this weekend before diving into the green tea, exercise and diet preparations.

Well the leaves still need to be swept up in the garden cancer or no cancer, and its a nice sunny dry winter day, so I may as well make the best use of it !

Cheers

Gerry