Birthdays Poles and Politics

Thankfully the exhaustion of yesterday did pass so it seems like I do not have an infection or serious anemia, both of which could delay my treatment, I did take it pretty easy however mostly packing stuff for the hospital, cutting the grass and having a nice lunch with Lee to celebrate my birthday in the local cafe. Once again we were blessed with a still, warm spring day so I was able to take Poppy to her "post Aladdin" disco in the Aston Martin, I may take it to the hospital tomorrow if the weather is good before it gets tucked up in the garage to await my return (apart from Deputy blogger runs of course).

I have been delighted today by the cards, phone calls, texts and emails wishing me luck and a happy birthday, thanks to all of you and keep in touch during the boring days in hospital, least I hope they will be boring - exciting days in hospital is not usually good. I have stocked up on technology, books, DVD's and treats ready for the hospital tomorrow and am just finishing up my "apprentice lee" activities ( showing her how to work the Ipod/Lawn mower/Garage door/heating/Jeep brake light change etc). This time Lee has bought me a bunch of talking books in case I am not feeling up to reading which I think is a good idea, I also have access to podcasts from the web which I am getting into slowly.

The subject of poles has stirred much debate in the Monster Team, Ian's admonishment that they should be thrown in the canal, with the owners attached, wins wit of the week award however most of the family and friends having bought the dreaded things they are busy trying to justify themselves which is quite amusing.

Politics has taken an upward turn with my friend Jim Buckley sending me a closely argued view on the US position vs recent wars and the current challenges in the middle east, its very interesting to see a sincerely held view, much of which I agree with, but some of which is very different from mine, so one of my projects will be to research and understand the points he made and get a bit of a dialogue going. Jim was one of the people who brought me into Gore, and is now retired from being our overall manufacturing leader globally for the company, but in a past life he was US Navy so brings a good perspective to the development of my thinking. He and Gary Henderson my counterpart in the US in the past, also now retired, keep me on my toes on email and remind me of good and tough times we have faced together.

So once more into the breech, now writing this at 1.30am prior to the chemo day, the previous bit being stored on draft. Lee sat up with me, but my brain was buzzing too much and so we agreed to leave me stalking around for a bit sniffing the air in the house, visiting the sleeping peace of Poppy and Holly and watching rubbish on TV, rather than sleep through my last night of home warmth oblivious, this may be one of those days where seeing the dawn is OK, even a positive thing.

I once remember being on scout camp in Donegal in the midsummer, I think perhaps I was 13 or so, and we got up with the light, probably about 4 or 5am. For some reason perhaps in a vain attempt to buy mars bars (candy for those in the USA) we went to the local village, where only the baker was working making the wonderful smell of fresh baked bread because it was so early. I thought "this is the part of the morning that almost no one ever sees". Later in my life I would leave for the airport at stupidly early times, to maximise evenings at home, and I would meet foxes walking home as I left the house, in the middle of the city (there is a fox den in the cemetery behind our house) once again a part of the day we miss. Yet when I travelled I would wake up at these times and work and play or even drink (its 5 o'clock somewhere in the world) which we would never consider at home.

Somehow days were I have seen the dawn are still special for me (except in Scotland in winter where it just means you are late for work) so I probably mean days when I have seen the dawn in summer. One time in my life in Narvick in Norway I camped by a waterfall on a mountain and watched the sun not go down. I was 19 or so and had an unlimited rail pass in Europe but I wanted to see the sun not go down, my bubble was burst when I made my way back to the railway station and met a girl kayak instructor I had taught with in England who had canoed there instead of getting the train!

Its kind of an odd feeling being here just now, on the one hand I know that the probability of me doing OK is pretty good, in fact I am counting on it. On the other hand (as my friend Eduard would say) its a scary place to be, to entrust people to kill a significant proportion of your body functions and then grow them back, knowing if they do not you are toast, is a little worrying despite the statistics. Nick asked me how I was feeling and I told him I would be really pissed off, given how other things are going well for us, if I knew it was going bad. Its like the "deerhunter" movie you are sitting there with the revolver feeling, don't pull the trigger you die, pull the trigger you only have a percentage chance of dying, so you pull the trigger and hope that attitude/willpower/love/biochemistry count enough to pull you through. Don't worry I fully intend to be around to annoy you all, but these are the thoughts you face, just as I imagine people who go into battles or wars have faced the same types of thoughts for many generations.

Its always darkest before the dawn, but today I smelt the first cut grass of a new spring in a warm still sunny day, had a nice birthday and cooked tea for all the family - tomorrow is a new adventure, no doubt it will be fine to start with, then the "chemo crash" will come as usual. What I do know is that the chat from you all on the blog, email or text keeps me connected and helps me fight from my bubble, thanks for that and all the support over the last year.

So now I am going to stop being scared and write a list of all the things I want to do once I am OK, I think the classic car events at Goodwood in the Aston might be high on the list (note Kenny I may need someone who understands cars like you to copilot) and even Le Mans classic race may get a look in along with indulgent family holidays getting well and getting back to work.

Tally ho

Gerry