Not so cool for chemo 7

Finally today after three and a half months I managed to get my head in the wrong place for chemo 7, funny thing was it was all subconscious rather than on the surface, right up to the bit where I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life, this as the nurse tried, for the third time, to get a good line in to administer the chemo. It was a wierd feeling, I went all hot and cold, felt sick, and was debating with myself if I was going to fall over or if I could muster the energy to run away...very freaky all round as my logical head was going "what the hell is going on here body!" but some other part of my head got control for about 5min. All ended well as the nurse backed off, I asked for a timeout and put on my meditation tape, and the world slowely returned to to normal, so that we could go at it again and get the line in successfully, after that I still felt a bit wobbly but was able to overcome the urge to run away for the rest of the day as the chemo was administered. So that was a first, and not one I plan to repeat, brought on from my small amount of needle phobia but more from lack of preparation.

Normally two days ahead of the chemo I start to try to get "in the zone" I listen to my meditation tapes, walk round the park, take things easy all to get my emotions into a positive/defensive framework which has helped me (more than I had realised) handle the treatment. This time I had worked for a week and had a jolly time over the weekend including 4*4 driving and doing some heavy work in the garden clearing plants so we can have the stone wall rebuilt later this week. This morning I took Holly to school to allow Lee to get to work early to catch up and then, rather stupidly, decided just to walk to the hospital as it was such a nice day, so just over an hour later I pitch up at the hospital and they have moved the ward. So obvious mistakes, no meditation in the morning, too much exercise, hot from the walk, in a strange environment and as soon as I sit down, unusually, they were ready to put the line in (something which I am fearful of anyway). The poor nurse then botched two lines, trying to run the second one even though I knew it was not right and my stress level was going through the roof as I gathered the courage to tell her we would need to try again. Just then subconscious takes over and suddenly I am not really in full control of my body as outlined above...not to be recommended!

Never the less I got past this bit of emotional excitment and I now safely have chemo 7 inside me, a nice cup of tea to hand and back in the security of home, which are all big reliefs, I think taking it easy today, drinking plenty of water, Eassic tea and some easy TV or movies may be all I manage after this quick blog. The lesson of the day is once again the difficulty and the importance of managing your mind/emotions as much as managing the physical symptoms.

Cheers

Gerry