The Second end of Gerryscancerdiary

Seems like we have been here before on August 20th 2006 when I rather prematurely announced the first end of gerryscancerdiary, little was I to know that only three months later I would be facing a doctor and "we've got a problem", the problem being as you all now know that the usually successful treatment did not work. That was a real kick in the face, of the type you do not want too many of in any one lifetime, and came with a 40 percent survival tag that I did not like one bit as that moved me from the "probably be all right" team to the "probably will not be all right" team, so some dark days followed.

The dark days were tougher because all I learnt about the treatment was pretty scary. Having already been sick on and off for a year, I thought it was fair and necessary for me to give up my current jobs at Gore, so the teams would not be leaderless for a further year and so I could concentrate all my energy on the treatment. In essence while the first treatment I tackled as an inconvenience, which I could work through and be out of pretty fast, this next treatment was going to take all of my focus and even then was a 50/50 deal. Even if I got out the other side the damage to my body could be considerable and reasonably long lasting.


What a change since then....


In reality colleagues picked up the work at Gore smoothly and have grown and developed as a result, we buckled down mentally in our own ways, Lee used the statistically most successful strategy of denial and distraction with the Monster bike and hike and starting her business. I once again developed an obsessive interest in the treatment I was going to receive and the stories of other bloggers who had been through the same thing, the "full immersion" technique which studies show is the second most promising strategy after denial.


Once I got into the treatment I had researched the side effects and symptoms and coping strategies so well that I had a really "bring it on" head on, somewhat deflated when on the first day there was a problem with the chemo so I was sent home for dinner! Never the less the treatment was pretty ugly, but my experience was very much more positive than many of the others who were in with me, and I got through, partly because I was expecting much worse. I felt so relieved when my transplanted immune system started to work and I could escape home to warm soup and comfort in my "den" upstairs. I nearly broke the record for getting out of hospital and was determined to push myself to get better.

At this stage I could do a lot with food, walking, exercising and resting well to help my body recover and prevent dangerous infections. I was lucky that this worked out well, and I had some good advice and support from the hospital and friends on how hard to push. Fortunately I continued to surprise the doctors in a positive way, and now following a clear scan, which we waited for with some nervousness as you can tell from the post a few days ago. So now all is well, I have negotiated, mostly through good progress on the fitness front, the doctors back from October to the end of August to restart work and am keen to get back to the interesting work and many friends I have in Gore. Until my next scan in a year or so I am free to live life normally for a change, avoiding exotic infections and places with poor hospitals for a year being part of the deal.

We have a week in Ireland still to come before the start back, me to work and Poppy to senior school. I shall miss elements of being at home, specially the way I have become much more integrated into the kids life over the summer, but in all honesty I am happy to hang up my cooks apron, skip the solitary training in the gym, and put away the vacuum cleaner, with few regrets. I will need to work out how to fit some pretty solid exercise routine into my working day, the lunchtime running club may have a new recruit at the plant.

So once again, and hopefully for the last time, I would like to thank all of our friends, family and colleagues who have managed to make our cancer experience a journey of discovery, friendship, warmth, support and even quite a bit of fun at times. I have no idea why I am here and seemingly recovered, while so many are still sick or worse, though luck and chemistry has much more to do with it than attitude or any merit on my part. Those latter things help folk cope, which is really important, but have minimal or no effect on the outcome. Sadly the biggest learning is that sometimes the bullet has your name on it and sometimes it doesn't. Equally I do not know, as you all do not know, how my health will be in future years. All the poisons and chemicals and radiation basically half my life expectancy, but that's just an average, and a lot of folk fully recover. I think I will stack the odds in my favour with exercise etc while still having fun as much as possible in the meantime, just in case.

So as I get out my calender and think about holidays, car shows, weekends away and treats - things which have been out of my mind for a long time, I hope you also check the balance of your own time, sometimes you get a second chance, as I have, but sometimes your time is up, use it wisely.

As the point of this blog was to communicate with family and friends efficiently during my treatment, saving the repetition and phone calls so that a relatively normal life could be lived between treatments, and as the treatment is successful, this should be my last post on the blog while I continue to be healthy. Part of returning to normal life is returning to normal communication channels so I will have to learn to phone and email again one on one. That will be good too.

So hopefully, there it is, the end once again. I thank you all again and I wish you all once again every blessing in the world, and the strength to deal with the adversity that life will throw your way with good humour and perspective.

Cheers

Gerry

Clear Scan

As is obvious from the title the results of the scan have come back clear and I am very much relieved. The primary tumour still has some harmless residual scar tissue as before but the three lymph nodes which developed cancer in the relapse are all back to normal size. So that is essentially the end of my cancer treatment, and it has been successful. From here on in I am on a watch list, with regular annual scans to look for signs of its return or other consequences of the treatment which can develop. As long as these stay clear then I can live a normal life again, starting with my planned return to work on August 23rd. I will post a bit of a longer update, probably my final update on the blog, later, for now I just wanted to get the key news out as I know a few of you were sitting with your fingers crossed for me!

Cheers

Gerry

Elastic Time

Evening Bloggers,

A minor miracle of unpredicted keyboard dexterity not warranted at all this evening (for various reasons). Today is a day of elastic time where everything is defined and colours are vivid and time stretches.......mental photographic moments.

Awaiting results...

Have had good time out recently! Highlight the golden wedding celebs at the weekend at the cottage. S and G Khan 50 years married! Dad had brought out photos of the wedding which the children really enjoyed...cousin/neice Frankie quote " Grandma was really HOT!"

You cannot have too much champagne or too much space. I love space and always wanted to be an astronaut but was worried about travel sickness and the confinements of that space helmet.

Loved camping at the cottage, loved the sound of the rain on the tent and the sunlight in the morning and the sounds of the wood.

I'm off to the roof now to enjoy the full moon over Capomaestro towers! Tim by the way I think the 3 peaks should be the next challenge!
L


Lee and I have been out tonight for dinner, and too many drinks, and are listening to Motzart with the windows on the roof fully open and the moon shining down on us as the beautiful music fills the air. Sarah and Jim have the kids for the evening and we are in limbo waiting on the annoucnement from the medics tomorrow, my friend Neville introduced me to Requiem and to this day I feel it is the most complete musical composition I have ever heard. One time there was a Typhoon in Japan, where I was working, and this was on the car stereo when I stopped and watched the lighting crash into the paddy fields as I could not drive in the downpour. These are moments that define, one way or another, our life.

In the last months I have become reluctant to post much on the blog, as it seems that things will probably be OK, whatever that means, but for sure it is different from short term death, which was the alternative.

This evening, in the spirit of the blog which was to be honest and create a record of my feelings about the situation, I am scared and apprehensive about tomorrow, I hope that Dr Scott will confirm the expected result of an all clear scan, but I am scared about my own strength if that is not the case, which is just as likley as the last time I more confidently and arrogantly faced this situation. Humility is a lesson learned in the fire of reality and I have learnt this lesson.

I hope and feel things will be OK tomorrow, I wish for it to be true or confirmed, but in reality this last year has taught me that the beauty of Motzart is still beautiful, camping in Logie Coldstone where Hollly and Poppy rescued the camp fire from embers can never be bought or sold, every day that we live, and all the people we touch and warm are privilages to be treasured and held close.

Lee has decided that she wants to go to the moon before she dies, and has instructed me to say so in the blog - I think I should pay less attention to the computer and more to her....

Anyway hopefully I will post tomorrow on the result, which the medics are confident about, and then normal life can take over from blogworld, chemo, IV plumbing, hospitals and big scanners, for how long no one knows, but every day of it will be precious, of that you can be sure.

Hence time to stop typing and live

Cheers

Gerry