Crashed and burned

Post from Lee

It is now Sunday evening and I have time to sit and write this post and reflect a little on a rather stressful week. I am relieved that G has got through his first chemo treatment OK but I know there is a long way still to go. It has only been 4 weeks since the doctors told G that they had found something abnormal on his scan but it seems much longer than that somehow as your normal routine is blown out of the water. The worst part for us was waiting to get the definitive diagnosis as you stress about the worst case scenario (the more you read the worse it gets) and you hope and hope that maybe they have made a mistake or that they will find out that it is something benign and harmless. G did not sleep very well at nights and I coped by using the denial technique (which I am quite good at!). We agreed not to say anything to the children until we knew more, but as you may have read from Poppys post, she had already guessed there was something up. G insisted that we sort out Wills etc (which I know is sensible and pragmatic) but I don't mind admitting I found it very difficult emotionally. G told people at his work his situation and they have been brilliant and so supportive which was a great relief to us both. My colleagues at work have also been really supportive and have offered to help cover projects if neccessary if I need to be off.

When G came back from getting his biopsy done he could hardly move and was clearly in a lot of pain. This was when my denial technique started to crumble and reality began to hit me. He went to bed to try and sleep and I spent most of the night clearing out our kitchen and packing to go up North. With typical bad planning we had already arranged that the builders were coming to dismantle our kitchen and dining room and build a stairway to our attic and we were due to be out of the house for the week. I had arranged that we would spend the week in Orkney and, as I was still dismantling our kitchen at 4am, I was determined that we should go. I think both G and I needed to get away from Edinburgh and have some peace for a few days and where better than a beautiful house overlooking the sea at Scapa Flow.

G got a phone call from the doctors near the end of our week in Orkney to give him the diagnosis and we whooped and celebrated to find out that it was Hodgkins and it was at an early stage, therefore the prognosis was in our favour. I know it sounds odd to celebrate a cancer diagnosis, but if you have cancer this is one of the better ones to have to deal with. During this whole time G has never questioned why this has happened to him he just puts it down to random chance and therefore does not waste any time or energy worrying about speculative cause and effect which is a really good philosophy and one that I too believe in. When we got back, G saw the consultant and discussed treatment and volunteered to go on a clinical trial. He started telling more people and set up this blog to let everyone know how he was doing. He greatly enjoys reading the comments and it has been an important source of positive energy for all of us.

As you have already read, the first chemo was this week and we dropped the children off at school and went on to the Western General Hospital and the Haematology ward. As they loaded up more and more poisons to drip slowly into G's arm the last remnants of my denial strategy crashed and burned. I am not very good at hospitals (which I know is a little odd as my father was a doctor and my sister is a nurse) and the staff treating G were very nice. I just hate the smell of the place, like old school dinners and disinfectant. I also find it quite hard to accept that they are pumping him full of these poisons which will make him sick to make him better. I understand the logic and thank god that they can do this, but emotionally it is difficult to handle. Anyway having pestered the nurses several times about air bubbles in the lines (I've seen too many episodes of Taggart, clearly) I left G reading Shogun and took myself off the the Maggie Centre to get some air. The Maggie's Centre is for anyone who either has cancer or who may be caring from someone with the disease and their primary role is to help people cope by providing information, courses, someone to talk to, cups of T etc. The design of the building is really interesting and there are lots of primary colours, it reminded me of Rudolph Steiner inspired places and it had a good positive atmosphere.

G coped really well with the first chemo despite a few wobbly moments the first night and next day and now 4 days later is feeling a lot better. We have to be careful of infections as G's immune system is zapped so I have been extra cautious with cleaning etc (no mean feat with no kitchen and living in bedsit land in the front room). We also have to be careful with the kids as Holly seems to have gone down with a bug today so we are keeping G out of the firing line as best we can.

On Friday, I'm afraid I crashed and burned a bit myself and thought I was going down with some bug as I felt really shivery and flu-like and took to my bed. I think it may just have been cumulative stress as I am feeling a lot better after hiding under the duvet for a bit. I expect you can tell that this post has been a bit of therapy for me :].

We really appreciate all the post comments and letters so thank you all so much they really help.

I'm signing off now to do the usual Sunday night things, forgotten homework, baths, wash hair stories and bed.

L