Me and my shadow

Since yesterday I have been attached to my friend the chemo delivery pole, it goes everywhere with me for the next four days as it continues to pump the chemicals and associated medicines into my system, while it plugs into the wall it also has batteries so I can go to the loo and walk about if I am feeling able. The good news is that the combination of steroids, anti emetics and other protective drugs has left me feeling pretty much OK at least so far on this chemo, this steroid high will only last so long as I found out the last time so there will be a “crash phase” to follow but its comforting to know the docs got the compensating medicines right first time round. The Hickman line is my new friend it is so easy to use in comparison to needles, another four blood samples this morning done while I was half asleep, bliss in compared to trying to keep needles in place and the pain of their insertion.

Other than having to get up every few hours to pee in a container all is going well so far, they are measuring my urine output and fluid input to check for damage to the kidneys and bladder, input/output balance is looking good and there is no blood in the urine which is a good sign so I will have to keep drinking as much as possible and hope that keeps the flow dilute and avoids kidney damage. So far the doctors are pretty pleased with things which is good and encouraging.

Lee came in yesterday after I had written the blog and it was really nice to see her after the difficult night I had before had left me feeling a bit lonely and “medicalised” by that I mean you can feel like a subject with all the poking and prodding, chemicals and tests. Seeing lee, and she brought some sweet letters for me from the kids, cheered me up a lot. Her flu seems to have passed and my temperature has remained steady so I think we are over that challenge.

The folks around me in the hospital are as always a mixture of humbling and inspiring, some elderly gentlemen are clearly in a bad way with lymphoma metastases into the bone marrow or anaemic to the point of having very little blood in their fluids. Never the less both these guys (Bill and David) are cheerful and encouraging me along as I do to them, David struggles to use the nurse call button so I have become his alarm he calls over “son” to me, and I call the nurse for him, its nice to be called “son” but he is 85 with 14 grandchildren so I guess it works. On the other hand beside me is Emile who is originally from Poland, he had been through and survived successfully the treatment I am about to get, in his case for leukaemia, he looks well but got a virus which put his temperature up so came in for treatment, temp is down now so he looks to be going home tomorrow. This just goes to show the treatment can work well but I will need to be careful for about six months after I escape from formal treatment.

It was a stormy night last night and as I fell asleep I felt strongly, or imagined, the presence of the dead, my dad, my grandparents and others in a warm and supportive way.. This is odd as I am not actively religious, if anything I would tend a bit towards Buddhist in my beliefs, so in reality I think this was a sign of me really becoming comfortable with the treatment and accepting it emotionally as the best path as opposed to fearing it and wanting it to go away, which was a large part of my feelings as we drove up through Glencoe. I certainly feel very strong and happy this morning in complete contrast to yesterday so I think I have made the transition into this being my life for the next 6 to 12 months. Never the less I have started a list of good things to do once I am recovered to keep the positive planning going and I have an army of good luck charms with me from rosary beads (mum), St Christopher’s medal (dad) Jade Buddha (me) and good luck frog (poppy) they are all looking out for me!

As I am able to use my phone in the ward I have been able to keep in touch with home and also family in Ireland, while texting to friends which has been a real unexpected benefit. Getting on line in the hospital with a vodaphone card will be the next step and bring the blog up to real time - at the moment lee takes the file home on a memory stick and loads it up for me (I think, perhaps she has editorial control as well). The challenges for today will be what to do about this blood issue, get some walking up and down the ward in while I still feel able (the chemo is cumulative and the steroids will wear off). Hopefully later in the day I will have a short visit with the kids in the little visitors room, it will be great to see them and introduce them to my Hickman line and chemo pole, though they did visit the day chemo before and so it will not be a surprise for them. We are trying to strike the right balance between involvement and education and not worrying them too much and so far that has gone well.

Off now for my morning walk round the ward with my pole, pleased to be able to do that, even if I know things will get worse this is a pretty promising start, lets just hope my cancer is not as robust to chemo as I am !

Cheers

Gerry